Failure

... && all those numbers are back in my phone
all their numbers +1 .
4 fucking numbers all in 10's
40 fucking numbers that are holding me back
from keeping my promise
ughhhh i feel so weak .
Am I hard of saying no?
and just turning my back to 'em?

Haven't seen yelnats in 2 weeks.
ummmm it's to the point
where I'm becoming uninterested
I mean I care 4 dude
but I aint feeling it
it got too physical too soon
to the fact I can't even connect with him
on an emotional or mental level ne more.
But he's still around . . we talk everyday
but about nothing. . . .
We are missin substance .
i don't blame him but more so myself
I just get bored so quickly

I Like booooooys and the like me toooooo
I feel so dirty i mean I havent cheated
or done ne thing with ne one else but I be "talking'
to others... I can't help it
I don't wannna be a player nooo more.
But im not a player I just crush alot lmao.
Oh god im terrible

even though I should be focused on my bf
these utha niggas have ticked me off
aiight so when i put those numbers back in my fone
and i start talking back again we txt allllll the time
then a week passes by U(they) lol aint txting no more
but somehow every friday U(they) know my number so
well and can ask me what im doing tis weekend
and tell me how much you (they) wanna c me .
Now that some shit
.. but i never gt played cuz i never go 4 that
i just keep leading them on and i dnt even fckin
know y?!

for instance

this boy we gon call him (bball)
cusz he plays basketball lol
ne waysz me and bball been talking..
one day we on the phone and bball was like
gosh u sooo fake
im like how
he was like cusz u got the bait (niggas)
and u be faking on me when we in school
u dnt be tryna hug me in the hall way
and i think it's cusz u got the bait and u dnt want ne 1 to know
we talk and u be just faking on me hard
then i gt txt saying ' u wanna chill?'
im like no
he'like u alwys denyin my wood
im like wtf. but i dnt txt back

other instance
we go call him Gangsterjerk
lol ne waysz this one told me gt away that time in class
so ne wayz i c him after school
i was like let me talk to you
he says walk wit me real quick please
i gotta go to my locker
sooo i go lol (i kno ikno)
he as like y u so fake ?
im like what? dejavu n shit. lol
u be fkin on me hard u tell me u like me
then when i be tryna give u hugs n stufff
u be like "nooo" and when i be tryna chill
u be like naaah
and dnt call or txt me or nothing
ur playing these little girl games .
and im like "im not fake"
it's ur fault cuz u only talk to me when
u feel like it n shit. blah blah blah
then when im leavin school i get a txt
frm him and he' like
"im wana come c u tonight
i want to see ur body tonight
nd im not playing im serious"
and i laugh cuz im like 10 min ago
i was fake and u wasnt talking to me
for like a week BITCH
so i just wrote really now?
and i can't take u seriously
i dnt kno wht he txtd back i aint read it.

instance 3
we call this one foot ball
so me nd ftball bn talkin casually since
summer i swear he just want to fuck
but recently like maybe a month ago he says
i like you and i be looking at you but i dnt know how to express
how i feel and i wanna talk to you blaah blah
ut everytime we gt on the fone
he b serious and i just laugh becuase i can't trust him
so we txt every now and again.
so he txts me same day as all the others lls
And asks what im doing
and can he come c me
im like naah im at home ppl home too
(not that i would allow him to come over ne way)
and im on my period( i was lol) srry 4 that lol)
and we cudnt do nuffn ne way so y u txting me
and he's like i dnt care and im like ughhh ewww
and he's like nt like i wanna fck but i dnt care if u on
becuase i wanna chill reguardless of that and u can come to my house
and im so taken a back becuase no boy has ever said that to me
(sad i know well some have like 1 has)
bt ne ways im like wow u was serious u liked me becuase
when we 1st started talking all he wanted to do was fuck

but im not gon let my guard down becuase boys
will say ne thing to get brownie points
then go in for the kill

but ne ways moral of this is
i have fucking boyfriend
and im talking to 3 utha niggas +1
well nt really but im playing 3 utha niggas plus 1

ima terrible female ...
i feeel horrible and fake
but it's like all my life ppl
even my immediate family have played me .
now it's like i can't take people seriously
and i can't commit to nothing
i quit everything
sports, dance, instruments, homework, realtionhips
....i kinda suck as a person right now but
im happy overall
i mean atleast im not in denail and for the most part
i feel good about myelf i haven't done nething really
bad to mess me nd yelnats up .
my mind is in blaaaaaaaaaaaah

i put all my buissness on a friggn blog
and im basically cheating and playin wit
peoples minds and everything is not okay ....


lmao now yall probaly think im crazy.

When you’re fearful, you stumble.

i forget where exactly i hear this quote.
but it's true
truer than true (is truer a word?)
Anyways back to fear
all my life i been s scardy cat
i don't know i just don't have ne back bone
i mean i dnt let ne bitch me forreal
but i don't have no spunk like
no zestfulness . I dnt go crazy
and jst live my life "ayyy yaaa yaaa"
lol.
but seriously i spend all my time
being fearful that i am not happy.
it messes up my aura and shit...
it makes me Fall flat on my
scared face.

..... well thats all for now
ill blog more later
. my blogs been short lately and
kinda meaning less but this shit
is for me to empty my mind ...
so if you dnt like my blog
DONT READ IT...

Raw emotion

Sometimes I wish I could just be numb.
Like not feel anything.
none of the things my dad says.
none of the crud boys do to me.
none of the way my stepmom treats me.
none of the abandonment from my moms.
none of the failure.
none of the not good enough
none of the disrespect.
none of the lies.
none of the hurt.
none of the scared.
none of the emotion.

But I wear my emotion thick all over like
fat asss fllabby skin ........
i feeel so much anger... so much sadness
not just from the things others do to me
but from myself
..... it's like i've let all this bull shit get to me
and im just shut down run down
... i just made a bad ass poem
but i aint ready
to let people hear it yet.
im not ready to be judged.
but it's called


Raw emotion.

Ignorant Shit

"Love is blind, and it will take over your mind
What you think is love, is truly not

You need to elevate and find"

I'm more than overly tired with myself.
Why do I continue to do the things I warn others not to.
I've never been one for relationships ...... to b honest I
have never really been in one. Maybe a couple
flings here and there and maybe might have "said" bf and gf
but it wasn't real. I'm only 15 though.
But this ... this right here is as real as the sky is blue and the
grass is green. Yelnats nd I are ... OFFICIAL.
It's really scary to me this love thing. I'm not even sure
I really honestly love him but there's this weird feelin i get
not like sexual but a genuine one when I talk to him and
when I am with him. I can't play with him like I could sooooo
easily with ne other guy but when I am talking to him I can't
even think to lie.... think to say ne thing to mess us up.
He's got me so open. It's like Iv'e never in my life had a guy
that I could talk to and tell him everything ... and i mean everything
&& feel okay and comfortable enough to even do that.
I actually trust him.

But that is not the reason for this post.

What I am getting at is the relationship bit.
When Yelnats and I 1st started talking it was just deep like
nothing more .... maybe a lil less on my side lol but
we weren't trying to start ne thing neither of us would finish.
we talked about this all the time. both scared giving "us" a label
would mess everything up. But on March 1st he asked and I said yes.
For at least 20 min after he asked I was in hysteria. I cried thinkin about it.
I couldn't believe it had gotten so serious. But "I"said "YES".
like I dn't think you understand the sinificance of that word yes
but me , guys and the word yes do not mix well.

Ne ways on the 3rd Yelnats says
I know we talked about this before and each of us
has been talkin to "one" other person but I think
that you talk to more than 'one' other.
Not that this is a bad thing but I can tell you got
alotta niggas and you not ugly so there will be alot
of niggas on you. what I mean is tht if you feel you not
ready to be in this realationship just tell me. becuase I'd
rdther find out from you than to find out somethin myself.
I wouldn't never be mad becuase I love you and you know
that and you know i would wait for you.

I mean it sounds like typical nigga talk but you gottah
know him. I recognize real.... and it be oozin out of this nigga
naturally.

But still I haven't made my point yet.

Yes hes right I do talk to like 3 other guys than him....
but thats becuase we weren't serious at the time.
What makes me mad is that I can't seem to drop these
3 niggas. They are repeat niggas. Like niggas I keep sayin
"why you keep fucking me over?" about but I keep lettin
them re-enter my life and play with my head.
I swear no matter how much I delete their numbers and how long
I go without talking to them tht number ends back up in my fone.
It's like this everytime.
Something sooo good is right infront of my face but I don't even acknowledge it .
I gottah turn around and walk dwn the street to talk to the guy
that doesn't really gives a rats ass about me but what I look like and
could he possibly have a chance to lay me down. or "chill"
aint that what they call fuckin now? lmao Im hip to this shit niggas.

But what makes me mad is that I know they playing me .
That I know they don't care about whatever it is I do or wanna do
and still I'm so blinded but what? I don't know and keep
letting them do this to me. Like in Eves song love is blind
she says " Tired and Tired but she never could escape you.
she was in love and I'd ask her how? I mean why?
what kind of love from a nigga would black your eye?
what kind of love from a nigga every night make you cry?
what kind of love from a nigga make you wish he would die?"
I don't love ne of them or ne thing and I aint gettin beat up
(I WISH A NIGGA WOULD) but thats similar to my situation
like I keep saying I'm done with it even before Yelnats
came along because noone deserves that but I keep them
around for some reason and I know they doin me wrong.
i let them do me wrong.... and thts what hurts the most.

Example (this is what happend today )
so I always talk to this boy in class he' always messing
with me so when I go over to him today (I know I was
a thirsty broad coming to him and shit) he acts like he dnt
even wanna talk to me . but he's tryna grab my butt
and he's tryna touch me. I push his hands off.
he tells me to "go away girl leave me alone"
so im pissed like wtf? we been talking
everyday "like real serious talking (on my side any way)
about this issue of fakin. just about and yur dissin me .
so i just leave "it" alone.
as we leave the class he tries to grab me
I'm like "dnt touch me!"
and he gts mad at me .....

WTF
ne ways i txt him later and say "u fake'
he says '...ok'
am i the only one who see's something
extremely wrng with this picture?

Then it makes me think of Jay-Z's song ignorant shit.
How he comes raw and he be thinking with his lyrics
but people would prefer that igorant shit.

"This that ignorant shit you like
nigga fuck shit ass bitch trick plus ice.
c'mo i got that ignorant shit you love
nigga fuck shit maricon puta and drugs.
etc. etc"

It's all these great guys with substance approaching me
who stood by me . listend to me . was there for me. cared
for and about me. not just to fuck or get something me but in
exchnge for the same care back . But I pushed them all away for that
ignorant shit.

I won't mess up with yelnats. I promise you that. naaah, I promise me that.

get me bodied

ookay so im bloggin
like crazy because i been slippin
im doing this just incase i slip..... again lol
keep yalll blog fiends fed well.

personally ive had alot of trouble with my body
my self esteem used to be so low.
When i was younger i was fat lmao
then i was chubby
now im like thick.....
i love my body
but sometimes
i go back to those dark times
and i look at myself in the mirror
an hate everything i see.


but i just want to say i love me
regardless of what anyone has to say
or anyone thinks .
i love my loose butt that jiggles when i walk
and big ole hips that make
some clothes impossible to wear lol
my breast that always seem to show cleavage
no matter what shirt i wear.
nd my stomach
that has never been ab defined
but shit it's mine ....
and most of all i love myself
even if i fuck up im not a complete disaster
i am somebody and ima make something of myself
im not a stupid girl .

SUCK DICK SLOW DAD.

bitch and moan
bitch and moan
this fuckin bitch done took my phone
what the hell is your problem?
take dick slow dad keep on slobbin

lls. im funny as shit when im mad
sooooo ummm i have a terrible cold
after this past weekend
my friends sweet 16. ily nalani
any ways im sleepin
no school today it was snowin
ne ways the bitch calls me
i pick up the phone all ugly
he says whts wrong
i say im sick and dnt feel well.
he gets mad.
very mad and says your always sickor some utha excuse
and then hangs up
thnx 4 the random call dad ...
i go back to sleep
he comes in my room about an hour or two later
and says give me your phone
i say okay
'if your sick you dont need a phone
i don't want it to disturb you "
"i needed you to help me shovel snow
but you were to sick give me your phone"
-------- seriously dad... come on
so i go on with my day
tht was about 4 .
it was about 8 30
i ask him 4 it back
he says
"NO leave my office
your always makin excuses when i need you
as soon as you come in the house from school
you go to sleep. and you just hibernate in your room
and never come out . then every weekend you
ask to leave and your always on this damn phhone"
he says more but it's alot to type
i mean when he called earlier
he said not a word about snow... he just hung up
so wtf.

if he knew how it is livin in this house
i hate his pesence
i hate being around him
and everytime i am arond him
all i hear is bad things from him
y wud i want to sit around with him all day .

this weekend on sunday we go to sleep
at 5 in the morning
when i come home i extremly tired
so i go to my room
he comes in and tries to snatch my phone then ...
he says
"wht a waist of life you are.
all u do is sleep and when you get up u stay up all night
on the phone
eat sleep phone ...... give me ur phone"
so i tell him ill stay up .
thnx dad that really how you wake me up though. BITCH ASS NIGGA

------ wtf doe he mean
i dnt do ne thing
i do every fucking thing nigga
i work hard to win ur fuckin approval
and even when i try im still fuckin wrong
...... your a bitch dad
a faggot ass cum mouthed bitch
............
man i swear i can't be happy 4 nothing.

A whole new world

my dad eased up 2 weekends ago.
He let me stay out till 1:30
...... it' long ass story but I almost got caught..

then he let me go out the next day
and gave me money .............
mabe he got some sex idk but i like him that way.
shiiiid and he was gon let this boy give me a ride home
aaaaaand he let me hang out with my bestfriend .

this is a whole new world to me
so bitches let me enjoy my magic carpet ride