inward energies outward experience

I was reading a blog yest.
from a blogger "Ms.Hussein"
about fashion. As well as lookin at
another blog "Easy on the Eyes"
ms. jasmin has an undeniable sense
of fashion. Both of them very inspirational.
But back to me.
Iv'e seen myself as a person grow no doubt
and my appearance has take a change for the
better . YES! lawwwd .
I'm bad (in a good) as shit.
(it's funny i know this but my insecurities run
higher than any mountain)
Yes i'm pretty but how do i dress?
my outward appearance doesn't match
what i feel how i think i am on the inside.
i don't know if it's because of my size?
but I have a size most females would die for
but still it's hard to go shopping.
i don't know if it's because of the fact i dn't have money
because usually i barley have money to feed myself in school
no im not poor but times r hard.
and it's costly to look good
clothes.. hair... shoes..
i don't know if it's because i just dnt know how to shop.
when i walk into a store i am often fustrated
my eye sees everything and can't zero in on one piece.
it's like anxiety and i just walk around the store ...
i hate shopping ... but i know what i like i just cn't go into a
store and pick it out...
i think it's the combination of all 3 and
thats y i never look how i wanna look.
i dnt know what to do.

Quiet time

It took me 15 years
15 years and 8 months
15 years 8 months nd 7 days
to realize. understand. and evaluate
I've always evaluated and
thought i understood but i ddnt really realize
what it was all about .
how could i realize when looking at things with
un real eyes .
so therefore i did not really understand
I couldn't understand.
All the troubles in my life
all of the things I go through minor and non minor
have been in search of love and acceptance.
It sounds funny but it's true.
... (Im crying now)
but yeah man I started this blog because
Im looking at my sidekick
it's blinking green.
that means i have no notices
no alerts no txt mssgs or calls.
I understand it's 1:55 in the morning
bu i usually have something.
it's quiet time
for once in a very long time
I'm talking to no niggas.
After being dogged out it's actually refreshing.
They have helped me to understand myself ...
understand my worth . understand love .
understand people in an personal way
and un personally due to the way
the have interacted with me both
good and bad... verbally and physically ..

I can't be a bitterbitch
so I'm happy because I say I am.

Stupid girl

..thats what he said
"stupid girl"
me: you think im stupid?
him: naah, just an expression

i let it slide

days go by and me "stupid girl"
still texting him.
he replies
but then i guess he decided
i've already gotten what i want so
let me carry this girl real quick
and she'll leave me alone.
in the middle of conversation
him: yeah ughhhh whatever goodbye

dismissed.
he has a week left in school
........ real nice.


stupid girl

who i do this shit for ?

if it's not for me then who?
clearly it aint for me,
giving myself over
laying myself down on the line
selling myself short
and then theres nothing

nothing; not a damn thing
in return for Morgan
might of fact who the fuck is she?
because clearly noone knows
but they can use her like a host
for there parasite bodies...

but she gives her all to those
who say her name in vain and
could careless if they had met her or not.
and she gives half or not less to
the thins in which should be highest on her list.
and then there is nothing for herself.

so then i again i ask
who i do this shit for ?
clearly it hasn't been for me.

So far gone

The Girl or The World?
someones gotta lose.




I lost.

u r HIV.......

saturday was Health fair
i have to volunteer
because im in national honor society
and i have to go to certain events.
i go
me and chris(friend) have so much fun
we got our faces painted
like kids busting in line n stuff .
feet , hand , and body massages
free everything......
Then i walk past the HIV/AIDS table.
The guy asks me have i ever been tested
i tell him no.
i am scared .
he says think about it .
it only takes 20 min.
i walk away
nicole walks me back and says DO IT!
i walk back to the table shaking and say ill take it.
i follow him down the hall to the screening room
it was like walking to a death chamber
..... i fill out a form .
it is confidential and they don't tell ur parents.
i take the mouth swab and rub it on my gums
twice on the top
twice on the bottom
he sticks it in the solution ...
then we fill out another form
he asks me y i had unprotected sex b4?
he asks me all these questions
i am nervous but i answer
I am scared.
he tells me i have 20 min,...
I walk back to the fair,
the hallway seems so long
the fair is not as fun ne more,...
20 minutes pass
the man told me not to leave until
i get the results.
i kinda dnt want them.
my ride is waiting.
i walk ... the long walk back
there r others sitting outside
filling out forms as i did
my friends mom is the administer
of the 1st form
i am embarrassed.
i walk in .... i sit down
i am HIV
NEGATIVE
he finishes my form and gives me a copy.
----------------------------------
After this test I feel liberated
inspired even.
Me and Victor (tester)
had a good talk .
I want to Wrap it up no doubt.
and I want to get tested
4 utha shit now.
=]
I wanna spread the word
soooo
IT"S IMPORTANT TO GET TESTED
EVERY 6 MONTHS
NO MATTER UR AGE
WHO U ARE
WHAT YOU DO
WHO YOUR HAVING SEX WITH
OR HOW SAFE U THINK YOU ARE
I want you guys to know i support everyone
who has the courage to go out and do it
and my heart goes out to those who are infected
as well as with other STDS and to those who
are too cared to go out and do it.
.. bring a friend and gt testd together=]
our black people r suffering

Fucked up..once again

Damn,,
my bitch just told me to
watch my lil bro .. I was
... thats when the lady from across the hall( stepmom)
came down and her and my bitch were talking so i went upstairs
and left my lil bro with them.
..... no more than 15 min later
all I hear is screamin and wailin
the lady from across the hall is sprawled
across the floor with my lil bro in arm
his mouth is bloody and he's crying
....... Dad scoops him and tells her none of his teeth r out.
he fell to the ground after climbing on top of his stroller
hit his mouth now one of his teeth r jammed in his gums
it's been 3 days since..
he seems to be find now
but hi front tooth looks so fucked...
ugggggh it's all my fualt.
the lady from across the hall thinks it's her fualt
she doesnt know i was suppossed to b watching him...
I feel shitty cusz i know i could have stopped him
Real good job Morgan
fuck up ur trust somemore.