I'm Baaaaaack

Hello my lil blogfiends

I am officially a junior ♥

it's been sucha loooong time

well I'm starting of this seasons blogging

sessions with a new attitude.

a new style .

a new everything.

=]

school has been hetic.

not so mch for drama but

the actual school work

ya girl i staking 3 Advanced placement courses

this year tryna get them college credits early.

ohh yeah and update--

FUCK BEING NATURAL!

lol .... it's hard work

and i don't have the time or

patience for it . maybe in my future.

( I will miss it though

*pictures of my transition and trasition back

to perm coming soon*)

Any ways I been feeling extra inspired

and do it yourselfy

so uhmmm I'll be making and altering my own

clothes for a minute.

any ways enjoy!

Trust

trust.
trust you.
I trusted you.
&& you hurt me.
you played me and you hurt me.
I am strong.
I am stronger now two days later I am not
phased by you.
I can't let you get to me .
I won't let you get to me.
I cried.
I will probaly cry some more.
but I am strong.
you lost my respect as a human .
I am sorry 4 you.
I am sorry 4 you becuase your sick .
You have to be either sick dumb or both.
But I am strong.
Stronger than you.
Stronger than this..
Stronger than the world.
everytime I am let down I am that more
determined.... that more ready to defeat you
whether it be your thoughts your actions or whatever.
... weight of the world on my shoulder
and I aint gon complain no more
Ima carry that shit becuase Ima solidier and
I am loyal to myself and i love me.
I aint never been weak I just fell off the track 4 a minute
but I always been strong I'm just starting
realize my strength.

P words

So I am currently procrastinating
....once again.
That's like my worst habit and my biggest
pet peeve and my biggest personality flaw.
I keep putting things off all the time.
I really need to start these summer assignments.
But I really really don't feel up to it and
i kno for a fact I'm going to wait till the last
possible minute and try to did these shit loads
of assignments to turn in on the 1st and 2nd days of school.

uhmmm... and you would think maybe becuase I'm
talking about it and so disguested with myself about it
I'd go pick up the books and or start the assignments
and reasearch or whatever after this post but
I won't. I might look at it but I'm not going to do it ...
Don't feel like it and don't want to.

I've always wonderd how I've done so well in school
was it becuase my schools were some poor as schools
and the education was sloppy? but i took
advanced and honors and all these gifted and tech courses..
the work would even be hard sometimes.
But i've always just p-worded lol (procrastinated)
I mean maybe all my work was so good becuase I was under
pressure to finish to get the job done and get good grades
becuase I wouldn't dare bring bad grades in my house.
Then that makes me ponder if my work was good with
my last minute-ness what would my work have been like
if i had done it piece by piece and all early and stuff?
Like could it have been extrodinary ? or would it have been shitty
becuase the drive aint in it?

Other news :

So I went for another check up with the
Pussy doctor ....
ughh I hate that word it sounds ....
trifling like the vagina is dirty ....
but i wanted a p word . so ne whoo
they took my blood this time annnd
another culture sample ...
expecting those results soon ...
PRAY for me .. i hope I don't have
like herpes or HIV or some utha
type of uncurable diseases .
I also hope after the meds my
STD went away ... but who knows I will find out.
also said i needa pelvic sonogram I might have cist
..... so now I'm hoping I don;t have that shit becuase
then I would have to get it removed ... and umm
I've never had surgey b4.

As well as .... geesh I keep breaking
promises to myself. Saaaid Iw ouldn't
have sex ne more but I've done it twice since
I said that shit... lol
It's just some things I'm going to have to live with
As well as I haven't played a lick of volleyball all summer
and I really wanted to practice so that I could join the team
when school started.
Ohh damn well i wanna box ne who and this is something
I been wanting to do for a long time.
so im look into that 4 sure...

... p words.

New Journey

So basically this July is coming to a close

bout 2 more weeks of it and August will b here

that school feeling is soon to kick in

haven't started ne of my summer assignments

a.k.a. summer school work for advanced classes

that piss me off becuase I always do them last minute

might of fact now that I bring that up even though

this is still kinda late I still have time

Ima look them up on the school website soon as I finish this posts.

But ne who it's still summer

I haven't been blogging about each individul thing thats significant

and yes I apologise I should have been .

But to sum some shid up

my dads (wow haven't called him that in a while)

well havent reffered to him as that, you may know him

as "mybitch" as said in previous posts is still infact

a crazy bitch .... let me not get into that

* sighs , fans self*.

The stepmom still M.I.A. lol till the end of the month

*Smiles devilshy at the thought *

going to c real mom end of the month

*frowns but then smiles becuase it means

more extended time away from the evil stepmother*

But about my New Journey

I decided to go all natural with my hair

it wasn't becuase I want to get intouch with my roots

or ne thing that might actual sound good but

becuase I don't have ne money .

I don't have the dough to get my hair relaxed every 3 months

or more and then to pay 4 touchups and re-do's every 2 months.

I mean I could do relaxers at home but ....... I am not about

to lose all my hair becuase of myself lol ... I'd radther blame

it on someone else.

As well as my hair seems to respond better to this new

found naturalness it's growing like crazy. and it's good and thick

and not thin and lifeless like a relaxer leaves it .

I mean I don't care how mnay curls or whatever a

hairdresser puts in I'm

always pushing up my hair... fact is I just love big hair

and I just love my natural hair texture

thick wavy and curly.

I just can't wait till I start getting some real length

and my hair is really healthy.

I mean yeah it's growing but it's breaking to my ends are atrocious.

Ima get those cut down soon but im not ready 4 my big chop.

and yes big chop is a real term in the natural hair world.

Right now my last relaxer was jan.2009

i got another haircut and my back was razored down

so maybe thats about 5 inches or less of actual relaxed hair

add in big breakage about 2 inches or a lil more

probaly 1 now becuase I was flatironing my hair like crazy

in feb march april and may.

but when I went to get a transitioning style (another term)

4 the summer I had about 2 or more inches of newgrowth.

Right now I have nubian twists they look like dreads

and might I add they look damn good on me ...

I'd b a bad lil lightskin rastafarian lls ( and my family

is actually jamaican)

but ne who.... thats where I'm currently at

had these in for about 3 1/2 weeks

I'll probaly take em out middle of august and

gt some tracks ....

I need protective styles to keep me from going

flat iron crazy.

Last part of my new journey I plan on losing some

weight ... this time I'm not gonna beat myself up over it

Ima stop attacking myself and just go with the flow

... watch what I'm eating and how much ....

and actually get my lazy butt up sometime and workout.

Not Obbesses over lil things but take baby steps

and I have to thanks my fellow digestess for helping

me through my darktimes and showing me that

no matter what I look like I'm still a beautiful person and

no matter what I go through and do I can still be a better person

and that I am a good person

and as far as looks go .......

Im pretty fucking damn beautiful if I must say so myself

and my body is pretty damn goodlooking.

So fuck my haters ( and yes my hater is me )

I'm tired of putting myself down all the time

mentally and physically.

sick of it and it's time things change.

sooooo heres to change

and yes I will put up pictures .

(i mean more pics as I post,

the next time.

these 2 are a lil rough)

love.sex. && magic

My dear summer
=]
Aruba was okay not
exactly what i had planned or hoped for
but fun .
Highlights
-banana boating
- 18 & over club
- 16 yr old drinking age
-Nalanilove
- Wolfpack

2 of which i was well underaged 4 .
(I'm only 15 as of right now
... b-day 09.09.)

But being home was the best part
stepmom , lil brother, &&& the Dog
GONE
Mybitch (Dad) worked overtime and nights
so house was mine from 11p.m. till 2:30 p.m.
the next afternoon
Talk about living the life
had my boo over every night, kill .
and i felt so good
no sex whats so ever .
Like have you ever just chilled with someone
a whole night laying in ur bed kissing and stuff
but no sex?
i mean to someone else they'd b like ewww
that wasn't cool yall aint do nothing
but to me i appreciate that....
It was refreshing becoming intimate without
getting intimate in one of the most intimate
places you could be intimate . lol
we talked and laughed and kissed ... Goodlife.

Then everyday my dad would come home
and let me go out almost everyday .
went to the smithsonian with my Ohmoney
went to the Harbor
and the Monument with my Mina
I mean life was good
hoping this upcoming week follows
but I don't know when my step-mom comes back
it seems when she is home my dad is a bitch the most
when she aint here me and my dad get along great
he lets me do things I just be chilling
we don't bother each other i do my thing he does his
but when shes here the tension is so thick
everyones panties r in a bunch ....guess this would b life
if he never married her ....
things to ponder

Worst part of my week
I mean i know this is personal but I gotta
keep it real plus if i don't right it down or let it out
it's gonna fuck wit me
but I gotta call from the gyn bout my culture sample
got a Std.... I know I know
how gross but it's funny how you think
things won't happen to you .
funny how little moments of pleasure n stuff
can be turned into something crazy .
i don;t have gonnoreah or nothing but
I mean i'm glad the std I do have is something
I can cure something I can take a couple antibiotics for and call it day .
it's funny how I don't even talk to the guy who I know
gave it to me ... how I wanted to be with him sooooo badly
how he carried me all the time how he treated me .
thinking if I had sex with him he might like me more....
I mean I got the pills n stuff now
and i been taking them and i didsomething curageous
I told him about me having this std
and how i believe he should get tested .
etc etc .
he jah carried me again....
told me he got tested 2 weeks ago and was clean
and I knoooooooooow that couldnt b true
becuase even if i ddnt catch it from him
he would have caught it from me
we did it twice raw and "I" went to the
gyn 2 weeks ago and they took the cultures.

ughhh hate liars ..
ne who I learned
to be safe or have no sex at all .
dnt get persuaded into that shit.....
I regreated telling him at 1st but Im happy I did
I mean hopefully he''ll go gt checkd out
becuase i would hate for him to infect
another girl .... for someone to b in my situation
and not know someone who dont go to the doctors
like i do or someone who dont have a way to get the meds
like i do . whatever the case i did my deed
I am content

Basically this summer I'm growing.
i can feel it .
i mean not physically
(evn though i would like to get
some big old biddies to match this booty lol )
but mentally and emotionally
learning about my self learning
to be a better person ....
to let things go .
to be stronger
to love me .
to be happy

Dear summer ;
I love you! thanks alot =]

Sincerly.
Morg. (XOX XOX XOX0)

One happy little island

going to Aruba
=]
tomorrow.
my bestfriend will b there too.
I love her man.

any whooo
Aruba .. sweet sweet Aruba .
i swear every year I go it bring new beginnings..
I lost my virginity on Eagle Beach
..... that was one of the wort nights i ever had...
but it was the most life changing.
Sometimes I wish I could take it back
be pure again... tender innocence.
but it happened ... and thats life ..
thats where everything began ...
that's what paved things out my 10th grade year..
It was me actually taking chances
not to say i should have done it
but it brought me out of my shell...
maan this year ..... was hell but it was GREAT!

I swear my years are backwards
everyone starts the year january 1st
but mines doesn't start till June 1st.
my summers make and break me for the upcomming
school year. .....
all my resolutions... goals experiences
everything dnt start till then ....

But im not gon get deep
i still got ish to pack and it's
12:01 midnight ....
but yeah might nt b posting 4 a while
but ill be back wit some
pics and stories and life stuff in about a week.

Toodles
-MurdahMimz! lol

Dear God

why am I this way?
it is said i am made 4 a purpose
but that is that?
everyday i am constantly told
reminded and proven that I
aint shit .
Can u believe my father said
fuck me again today
over a damn hash brown?
i mean im not mad and
im not gon let it beat me up
just disappointed because
he had a big temper tantrum
like a bitch (excuse my language
but that's how i talk God ...
y censor it if u hear me talk like this all day
I have confidence that that won't change
how u think or feel about me .... u do love
me right?) but he did that and
then gets mad at me and calls me
selfish and childish .... r u serious?
.... I pray for him God
please give him some insight show him that
he's fuckin crazy sometimes.

God will i ever find someone ?
not a boyfriend or ne of that just guy
that i like that i can chill with ...
a guy that dont mind going out with me
(he don't even gotta dish out ne money)
someone that when we alone he not thinking
Ass tittys pussy fuck
but he genuinely wanna spend his time with me .
he wanna talk to me and get to know me
not about just my sexual life....
someone that keeps it real all the time
and dnt mind the stupid txts i send
and the pointless calls with no motives of fucking.
God y is it that no guy has ever liked me like that?
is it because ima lard ass?
guys don't wanna dare go out in public with me
is it because im boring?
is it because all guy think about when they see me
is ass?
i mean i dnt even wear revealing clothes....
and everytime im talking to someone
they all my friend until we have sex then
it's over...
i mean ive stopped doing that but is that all
guys expect from me?
.... i swear its like all i am is a quick fuck and
i be pouring myself out there being real and
true and they take advantage of that play with my mind and
dogg me out...

God....
y do i dislike myself so much
i know self esteem
is 4 myself self
im spossed2 feel good about me
but i don't
personally i feel im so ugly
not from a physical standpoint
bt everything else
my personality is sooo shitty
the things i do are fucked up
my priorities alll wrong.
evrrrrrything.. and im 15 and im fucking
..... and i been fucking raw...
what part of the game is this?
y am i sucha a idiot God?
.... how i let myself make these mistake time
and time again and i know better.
and don;t let me get started on the physical ...
like seriously does my mouth have an off switch
i just eat and eat and eat ... and i know im just eating everything
i dnt even feel bad about it 4 utha people
but im so tired of looking at my lard ass...
nd when i be working out and eating right that last maybe a month
and then it's back to bn a fat ass....
maaaaan i hate me god ...
god .... help me to love myself
inside and out ...

theres so many things i wanna talk about
with you just don;t have that kinda time...
.... but help me out with these things up there
please im not asking 4 a miracle but just some
tips some signs some something to help me through this ...

Amen.

love
morgan.