Better Mood

okay so i kirked out yesterday
..... i'm chilling today ..
just thinking about the future
what summer shall bring
brighter days if you must.

Aruba time is approaching fast
I am enthusiastic about this but at the same
time very skeptical ....
I don't have the beach ready body I wanted
I still have jelly filled arms
and flubber for stomach...
I dread summer ...
I hate the girls and their slim bodies
wearing skimpy clothing i wouldnt dare touch
and then theres me...
wearing what seems to be cute to me
then i step out into the outside world
and find the shit i just put on looks like
ne old thing compared to everyone else.
Niggas don't see me ....
Everyonce in a while Ill go out and maybe
someone will talk to me but usually it's
my beautiful friends getting all the love..
school doesn't count yeah i get the bait in school
but thats only becuase my butt looks gigantic in khakis
outside of school .... im just ur average plain jane lookin
broad...... maybe thicker than her though ...

but still like I said my mood is better and I
dare not bring it down . so I'm taking me
and my big ass beach whale body to
aruba and im going to have a good time.

Forget those that over look me because
I can only go up from here and those that
doubted me and those that turn there noses
upon me will have regrets...
my time will come one day ..

thats me to the left ... i liked the pic
when i took it but after upoading it to the computer
it's really radther ... ugly
stupid hair that is going natural
haven't had a perm in 5 months
that looks real shitty
fat ass grandma flubber arms
that i hate when people squeeze
dumb ass bubble stomach that could definatley
skip a meal or two .... or 5
and freakin back fat ...
uggghhh
wheres the self love

havent joined any sports becuase
i quit them all as soon as i start....
just bn fat ....

fuck it once again .....
one day ill be where
i wanna be but as 4 now
.... this is me .
like it or not.

All the pieces..

Pieces of me ;


Man I'm dressed cute shirt
cute shorts with a cuff and pleat
....nice makeup
hair straightened....
no where to go.

It's so nice outside .
I have no transportation .
Tried to make plans
everyone is busy

Friend #1
is going to a cookout

Friend #2
is going to prom

Friend #3
is off @ museums
&& cookout

Friend #4
is fuck if i know

Friend #5
he's always doing something


Anyways im pissed @ Friend #4 like
seriously bitch u don;t wanna hang out with
me ne more because my dad doesn't trust you?
Because he clocks where we go and he don;t want
me 2 pend the night
like seriously im mad tooo at him
and it sucks he dnt trust me but still
that don;t validate you not hanging with me
but once again i promised myself
i wouldn't get mad at you because of the people
you now radther hang with...
the ones who smoke and drink and
dont come to school and are strippers
and fucking prostitutes....
yeah real classy grop you choosen
the ones that got u not just smoking weed
(Which i can tolerate) but the ones
that got you smoking cigarettes on a daily basis
now ur a nicotine fiend and a alcholic...
Real cute .
How can you say "well damn I'll see if I want you
to come with us cusz u gotta be in the house and shit..
I'll let you kno" and I'm tired of ur ass
hanging up on me everytime I call and damn
u do that shit when u call me ....
FUCK YOU !!

Like seriously u are so my past right now.
Fuck the phone calls
Fuck the going out of my way
to help you out ...
Fuck us as friends man
It's funny cusz 4 real
man I care about u like shit
but friends don't do this to each other
on constant basis .
I mean 4 real i'm always here 4 u but
all that extra shit is out the window
pretty much u are just an old friend
to me ....
like those friends yo talk to occassionally
you may hang out with them but
they not ur inner circle ....
good for you son .... lost my respect in you .
=]

i aint need ur shit neways u stressed me like hell

anyways i called my big brother ...
he's coming to get me ...
I don't need you
to have fun .

Ha ha ..... im hurting like hell on the inside
but ill be good ... im so serious about everything
and i meant everyything
now if only she would ever readd my blogs.....

carried away

yesterday i let my feelings get the best of me
I mean i still feel as though I put others b4 me tryna
please everyone but myself but
never just a big fuck you to my friends...
I love those girls man

as much as mybitch
rants and raves off at the mouth
and makes me angry he did say something today
during in an argument that sparked my interest
got me thinking...

he said " You think with your emotions and
you don't look at reality and whats actually
in front of you"

Damn I hate when mybitch is right.
Everything I've ever done was not because of
instinct and conscious thinking
or with seeing
but with feelings and emotions.

and someone i really am not particular about
said something smart ..
"why is every 1 trying to be different. try being real"
or something to that effect.
Honestly I don't really care for her at all
but she does say things I can agree with and understand
and feel where she coming from ......
maybe thats y we was cool b4...
and i dnt know what happend but it's fake beef

but besides that back to the point

i let my emotions get the best of me ....
now I need to just cool it
and look at reality .....
What can I do to get the job done!

Decieve me baby

Damn .... I hate when I believe something
no btter yet think something n it's not at all true.
This isn't about a nigga or ne thing
because as of right now i dnt talk to ne body.
but this is about my best fucking friend
2 of them inparticular.

I'm a good asss fucking friend.
No doubt no lie.
I mean I do crudy shit sometimes but I'm loyal as fuck
I'm down for my team ne time of day for almost anything.
I've swallowd alot of my fucking fears for you 2 and did
shit I would normally be "FUCK NO" to .
I'd fight and kill for yall...
and I swear if yall was out of my life I'd die
I love yall with my heart nd shit
and when I fucking hear and receive shit like this i'm pissed.

Like seriously i know you feel the drifting between us
but I'm past that becuase oer the past 2 months
a bitch got her shit together and learned to stand
on her own two feet. Thus be independent from you .
But when you this fucking loyal it eats at you knowing
u'd dmn near break ur neck leg and arm for someone else
and they don't ever seem like thhey atleast appreciate it but
more so take advantage of it and your left feeling used

well not anymore....
im tired of busting my ass for you
caring about you and shit and you put my ass
on the back burner ....
I mean I'm alway here for u no doubt
and I'm gon always have ur back
and Ima always love you but
I'm tired of bn used ....... my services
will b focused more on me from now on.

next

and youu....
like seriously surprise surprise
every fucking day feels like a waiste of damn time now
like wow thts how u feel??
I know these r ur feelings and ur right
I can't censor that and shouldn't censor that
and for real for real I respect that
but really, its sad u feel that way
because in my mind it was completly different
thought we was progressing and whole time
........ we back at fucking square 1 .


FUCK this shit .
i'm not really mad
just dissapointed........

decieve me yall
please just one more time
fuck with my mind ......
shiit ....
it kinda hurts cuz
i mean outside of yalll
who else i got?
not my bitch... not my mom
........ and this is what happens?

Shiiiid i dnt even have myself half the time
but id have yall ne time

shit aint right ....
nobody need worry bout me
cuz i do me ...
nd will continue to do so
esp. after this shit...


mood: FUCK YOU BITCHES!

Misunderstoood

It's sad because it's all around me statistical ass broads
My life ..

not the pregnant ass shit which i seen a old
best friend of mine since 6th grade have .
bless her and her daughter
they are like a never ending cycle
g-ma had mom at like 15
mom had old best-friend 13
bestfriend have baby at 16 .......
now she has a daughter.... how ironic
--------------------
back to me

girls just giving up the goods 4 various reason most common
because we associate "like" and "love" with sexual activities.
well atleast thats what i have done ....
but more recently
people keep saying sex is just sex
but i don't think this way
this is where i have misunderstood
if i am able to feel comfortable enough
to share this intimate exchange with you
then it's not just sex
i hate when niggas lead me on
y tell me u like me
spend all this time talking to me
texting me and chilling with me to
just fuck and not speak to me other than
4 other sexual encounters
uggggh
i mean there have beeen 1 or 2 people
that i just talked to 4 those exact reasons
bt when i tell u i like u and put time into u
then thats a different damn story
*sigh*
niggas should be upfront
don't "act" like u like me and shit
just to hit ...
just keep it real and if im dumb enough to still
give it up even after i have been told it's just a
Fuck situation then it's my fault but
when u play with my emotions and have me believe
something else then that's that bullshit...

i guess i misunderstood sex
or maybe they misunderstood me 4 the sex?
either way that hour or so of pleasure
has still left me very unsatisfied in the end.....

I can break without falling

Completely broke down yesterday
I was so touched by the 'Brave New Voices'
poets ... they spoke to me
spoke with me ... spoke of me
if that makes sense.
It was the cry u feel in ur soul
that loud ugly cry ....
but I am still silent.

I think about who am I?
I am nothing... nothing without them .
It's a shame because I am completely lost
with out someone to follow.
A total lackey....
I'd still be that quiet little nerd
girl who doesn't play
at recess.......

I thought about it but again

I let it slide..

i walk not with them but behind them
or in front never beside....
talking to air as if I don't exists...
standing with crowds that don't even
acknowledge my presence.

My bestfriend came to school late
once again I was the one who came
through with her ride
i hadn't seen her
and I ran to her testing site from mines
across the hall....
thats when this girl at the door
says "ur groupies here"
i ssaid what?
she said "ohh nothing"...

i mean what can i say??
it's true
i am a groupie in a sense
... in the morning i work in the office
as a aide so that i dnt have to sit alone
in the cafeteria ......
and at school i don;t go to lunch if my friend
aint come to school or id be all alone ......
Damn......

and people don't understand
because i was at that damn school a whole year
and this year people asking me was i fucking new...
because i was nobody.... i still am nobody becuase im not
myself...........

it's like my friends and i have grown apart
their interest consists of drinking
getting high and partying ....
i mean as bad as i would love to hang with them
still i dn't feel comfortable playing fake
the people know i dn't fit into that
and i hear alotta "whats wrong with ur friend?"
and "ohhh u dnt like having fun and u aint know hood real
person cusz u don't do this and this"

Well look here i beeen around that shit all my fucking life!!
I moved from place to fucking place evicted from this
home and that fucking home ... been left alone for days at a fucking time
picking up my moms mistakes
moved in with my dad to hear nothing but verbal abuse
and strict lines i can't crosss....
beeen there done that
and im not Real!!
wtf is real

i hope u don;t think real is that bitch who smoking with you
and drinking with you because i was there back then when her lil nerdy asss
played yugioh and watched digimon
i was there when people including myself made fun of her
b4 she was Frenchie b4 she had a body b4 she was pretty
b4 she smoked and drank ....
b4 all that shit and shes real??
she lived in the fucking suburbs all her life
and she rides public transportation goes to a couple hoods
and meets a couple niggas and starts living this fastlife
and she's real??

she's a real hood bitch i guess......

i blame myself for following this
letting her be my rock .... my upbringing
standing in her shadow
letting her bring me popularity

...damn im so dumb.....
but i would still be at that lunch table alone sipping milk
looking at that clock
waaiting 4 this shit to be over so
i could go home.....
still be rushing to class cusz i don;t wannna
stand in that hall way alone
..... still the girl noone knows exists...

"ohhh u went here last year?.. never seen u"

damn id be noone ..
still i am noone ..... cusz i aint been myself.

inward energies outward experience

I was reading a blog yest.
from a blogger "Ms.Hussein"
about fashion. As well as lookin at
another blog "Easy on the Eyes"
ms. jasmin has an undeniable sense
of fashion. Both of them very inspirational.
But back to me.
Iv'e seen myself as a person grow no doubt
and my appearance has take a change for the
better . YES! lawwwd .
I'm bad (in a good) as shit.
(it's funny i know this but my insecurities run
higher than any mountain)
Yes i'm pretty but how do i dress?
my outward appearance doesn't match
what i feel how i think i am on the inside.
i don't know if it's because of my size?
but I have a size most females would die for
but still it's hard to go shopping.
i don't know if it's because of the fact i dn't have money
because usually i barley have money to feed myself in school
no im not poor but times r hard.
and it's costly to look good
clothes.. hair... shoes..
i don't know if it's because i just dnt know how to shop.
when i walk into a store i am often fustrated
my eye sees everything and can't zero in on one piece.
it's like anxiety and i just walk around the store ...
i hate shopping ... but i know what i like i just cn't go into a
store and pick it out...
i think it's the combination of all 3 and
thats y i never look how i wanna look.
i dnt know what to do.

Quiet time

It took me 15 years
15 years and 8 months
15 years 8 months nd 7 days
to realize. understand. and evaluate
I've always evaluated and
thought i understood but i ddnt really realize
what it was all about .
how could i realize when looking at things with
un real eyes .
so therefore i did not really understand
I couldn't understand.
All the troubles in my life
all of the things I go through minor and non minor
have been in search of love and acceptance.
It sounds funny but it's true.
... (Im crying now)
but yeah man I started this blog because
Im looking at my sidekick
it's blinking green.
that means i have no notices
no alerts no txt mssgs or calls.
I understand it's 1:55 in the morning
bu i usually have something.
it's quiet time
for once in a very long time
I'm talking to no niggas.
After being dogged out it's actually refreshing.
They have helped me to understand myself ...
understand my worth . understand love .
understand people in an personal way
and un personally due to the way
the have interacted with me both
good and bad... verbally and physically ..

I can't be a bitterbitch
so I'm happy because I say I am.

Stupid girl

..thats what he said
"stupid girl"
me: you think im stupid?
him: naah, just an expression

i let it slide

days go by and me "stupid girl"
still texting him.
he replies
but then i guess he decided
i've already gotten what i want so
let me carry this girl real quick
and she'll leave me alone.
in the middle of conversation
him: yeah ughhhh whatever goodbye

dismissed.
he has a week left in school
........ real nice.


stupid girl

who i do this shit for ?

if it's not for me then who?
clearly it aint for me,
giving myself over
laying myself down on the line
selling myself short
and then theres nothing

nothing; not a damn thing
in return for Morgan
might of fact who the fuck is she?
because clearly noone knows
but they can use her like a host
for there parasite bodies...

but she gives her all to those
who say her name in vain and
could careless if they had met her or not.
and she gives half or not less to
the thins in which should be highest on her list.
and then there is nothing for herself.

so then i again i ask
who i do this shit for ?
clearly it hasn't been for me.

So far gone

The Girl or The World?
someones gotta lose.




I lost.

u r HIV.......

saturday was Health fair
i have to volunteer
because im in national honor society
and i have to go to certain events.
i go
me and chris(friend) have so much fun
we got our faces painted
like kids busting in line n stuff .
feet , hand , and body massages
free everything......
Then i walk past the HIV/AIDS table.
The guy asks me have i ever been tested
i tell him no.
i am scared .
he says think about it .
it only takes 20 min.
i walk away
nicole walks me back and says DO IT!
i walk back to the table shaking and say ill take it.
i follow him down the hall to the screening room
it was like walking to a death chamber
..... i fill out a form .
it is confidential and they don't tell ur parents.
i take the mouth swab and rub it on my gums
twice on the top
twice on the bottom
he sticks it in the solution ...
then we fill out another form
he asks me y i had unprotected sex b4?
he asks me all these questions
i am nervous but i answer
I am scared.
he tells me i have 20 min,...
I walk back to the fair,
the hallway seems so long
the fair is not as fun ne more,...
20 minutes pass
the man told me not to leave until
i get the results.
i kinda dnt want them.
my ride is waiting.
i walk ... the long walk back
there r others sitting outside
filling out forms as i did
my friends mom is the administer
of the 1st form
i am embarrassed.
i walk in .... i sit down
i am HIV
NEGATIVE
he finishes my form and gives me a copy.
----------------------------------
After this test I feel liberated
inspired even.
Me and Victor (tester)
had a good talk .
I want to Wrap it up no doubt.
and I want to get tested
4 utha shit now.
=]
I wanna spread the word
soooo
IT"S IMPORTANT TO GET TESTED
EVERY 6 MONTHS
NO MATTER UR AGE
WHO U ARE
WHAT YOU DO
WHO YOUR HAVING SEX WITH
OR HOW SAFE U THINK YOU ARE
I want you guys to know i support everyone
who has the courage to go out and do it
and my heart goes out to those who are infected
as well as with other STDS and to those who
are too cared to go out and do it.
.. bring a friend and gt testd together=]
our black people r suffering

Fucked up..once again

Damn,,
my bitch just told me to
watch my lil bro .. I was
... thats when the lady from across the hall( stepmom)
came down and her and my bitch were talking so i went upstairs
and left my lil bro with them.
..... no more than 15 min later
all I hear is screamin and wailin
the lady from across the hall is sprawled
across the floor with my lil bro in arm
his mouth is bloody and he's crying
....... Dad scoops him and tells her none of his teeth r out.
he fell to the ground after climbing on top of his stroller
hit his mouth now one of his teeth r jammed in his gums
it's been 3 days since..
he seems to be find now
but hi front tooth looks so fucked...
ugggggh it's all my fualt.
the lady from across the hall thinks it's her fualt
she doesnt know i was suppossed to b watching him...
I feel shitty cusz i know i could have stopped him
Real good job Morgan
fuck up ur trust somemore.