CyberLife-link

I remember being about 12 or 13
and having my own computer in my room
I discoverd I.M.'ing on yahoo and aim
and chat rooms and forums and I was totally
addicted to the computer
like i was seriously an addict
I would sit there and not eat or sleep hardly
and just sit and stare @ the computer for hours
non stop
no matter the headaches or the stomach growls
or homework or school i would be there
glued to that computer screen.
As summer of 8th grade to the beginning of 9th
i had no access to a computer
so i learned to last without one
only using it when i visited librarys etc. etc.
and that winged me off of it for a long time my entire
9th and partly 10th grade year i got better at
using the computer
I began to do my homeowrk more
and began to eat like a normal human being
participate in things etc etc..
but towards the end of my 10th grade year
mainly this summer i felt it creeping back
the ADDICTION .
i knooooow this is wrong i know
what im doing and ill still put off
school work to check my facebook page
and just I.M.'ing people to webcam
Shit right now @ this very moment
ive had an entire week to do
these chapter questions and essays
and study for this test tommorrw
and as you see im sitting here writing a blog.
it;s like i can't leave the internet and
web communication things alone
and what makes it worse is that
i HAVE to use the computer 4 this homework
which causes me temptations ....
uggggggggggh
my cyberlife-link.



my name is Morgan and im a
computer addict .

I'm Baaaaaack

Hello my lil blogfiends

I am officially a junior ♥

it's been sucha loooong time

well I'm starting of this seasons blogging

sessions with a new attitude.

a new style .

a new everything.

=]

school has been hetic.

not so mch for drama but

the actual school work

ya girl i staking 3 Advanced placement courses

this year tryna get them college credits early.

ohh yeah and update--

FUCK BEING NATURAL!

lol .... it's hard work

and i don't have the time or

patience for it . maybe in my future.

( I will miss it though

*pictures of my transition and trasition back

to perm coming soon*)

Any ways I been feeling extra inspired

and do it yourselfy

so uhmmm I'll be making and altering my own

clothes for a minute.

any ways enjoy!

Trust

trust.
trust you.
I trusted you.
&& you hurt me.
you played me and you hurt me.
I am strong.
I am stronger now two days later I am not
phased by you.
I can't let you get to me .
I won't let you get to me.
I cried.
I will probaly cry some more.
but I am strong.
you lost my respect as a human .
I am sorry 4 you.
I am sorry 4 you becuase your sick .
You have to be either sick dumb or both.
But I am strong.
Stronger than you.
Stronger than this..
Stronger than the world.
everytime I am let down I am that more
determined.... that more ready to defeat you
whether it be your thoughts your actions or whatever.
... weight of the world on my shoulder
and I aint gon complain no more
Ima carry that shit becuase Ima solidier and
I am loyal to myself and i love me.
I aint never been weak I just fell off the track 4 a minute
but I always been strong I'm just starting
realize my strength.

P words

So I am currently procrastinating
....once again.
That's like my worst habit and my biggest
pet peeve and my biggest personality flaw.
I keep putting things off all the time.
I really need to start these summer assignments.
But I really really don't feel up to it and
i kno for a fact I'm going to wait till the last
possible minute and try to did these shit loads
of assignments to turn in on the 1st and 2nd days of school.

uhmmm... and you would think maybe becuase I'm
talking about it and so disguested with myself about it
I'd go pick up the books and or start the assignments
and reasearch or whatever after this post but
I won't. I might look at it but I'm not going to do it ...
Don't feel like it and don't want to.

I've always wonderd how I've done so well in school
was it becuase my schools were some poor as schools
and the education was sloppy? but i took
advanced and honors and all these gifted and tech courses..
the work would even be hard sometimes.
But i've always just p-worded lol (procrastinated)
I mean maybe all my work was so good becuase I was under
pressure to finish to get the job done and get good grades
becuase I wouldn't dare bring bad grades in my house.
Then that makes me ponder if my work was good with
my last minute-ness what would my work have been like
if i had done it piece by piece and all early and stuff?
Like could it have been extrodinary ? or would it have been shitty
becuase the drive aint in it?

Other news :

So I went for another check up with the
Pussy doctor ....
ughh I hate that word it sounds ....
trifling like the vagina is dirty ....
but i wanted a p word . so ne whoo
they took my blood this time annnd
another culture sample ...
expecting those results soon ...
PRAY for me .. i hope I don't have
like herpes or HIV or some utha
type of uncurable diseases .
I also hope after the meds my
STD went away ... but who knows I will find out.
also said i needa pelvic sonogram I might have cist
..... so now I'm hoping I don;t have that shit becuase
then I would have to get it removed ... and umm
I've never had surgey b4.

As well as .... geesh I keep breaking
promises to myself. Saaaid Iw ouldn't
have sex ne more but I've done it twice since
I said that shit... lol
It's just some things I'm going to have to live with
As well as I haven't played a lick of volleyball all summer
and I really wanted to practice so that I could join the team
when school started.
Ohh damn well i wanna box ne who and this is something
I been wanting to do for a long time.
so im look into that 4 sure...

... p words.

New Journey

So basically this July is coming to a close

bout 2 more weeks of it and August will b here

that school feeling is soon to kick in

haven't started ne of my summer assignments

a.k.a. summer school work for advanced classes

that piss me off becuase I always do them last minute

might of fact now that I bring that up even though

this is still kinda late I still have time

Ima look them up on the school website soon as I finish this posts.

But ne who it's still summer

I haven't been blogging about each individul thing thats significant

and yes I apologise I should have been .

But to sum some shid up

my dads (wow haven't called him that in a while)

well havent reffered to him as that, you may know him

as "mybitch" as said in previous posts is still infact

a crazy bitch .... let me not get into that

* sighs , fans self*.

The stepmom still M.I.A. lol till the end of the month

*Smiles devilshy at the thought *

going to c real mom end of the month

*frowns but then smiles becuase it means

more extended time away from the evil stepmother*

But about my New Journey

I decided to go all natural with my hair

it wasn't becuase I want to get intouch with my roots

or ne thing that might actual sound good but

becuase I don't have ne money .

I don't have the dough to get my hair relaxed every 3 months

or more and then to pay 4 touchups and re-do's every 2 months.

I mean I could do relaxers at home but ....... I am not about

to lose all my hair becuase of myself lol ... I'd radther blame

it on someone else.

As well as my hair seems to respond better to this new

found naturalness it's growing like crazy. and it's good and thick

and not thin and lifeless like a relaxer leaves it .

I mean I don't care how mnay curls or whatever a

hairdresser puts in I'm

always pushing up my hair... fact is I just love big hair

and I just love my natural hair texture

thick wavy and curly.

I just can't wait till I start getting some real length

and my hair is really healthy.

I mean yeah it's growing but it's breaking to my ends are atrocious.

Ima get those cut down soon but im not ready 4 my big chop.

and yes big chop is a real term in the natural hair world.

Right now my last relaxer was jan.2009

i got another haircut and my back was razored down

so maybe thats about 5 inches or less of actual relaxed hair

add in big breakage about 2 inches or a lil more

probaly 1 now becuase I was flatironing my hair like crazy

in feb march april and may.

but when I went to get a transitioning style (another term)

4 the summer I had about 2 or more inches of newgrowth.

Right now I have nubian twists they look like dreads

and might I add they look damn good on me ...

I'd b a bad lil lightskin rastafarian lls ( and my family

is actually jamaican)

but ne who.... thats where I'm currently at

had these in for about 3 1/2 weeks

I'll probaly take em out middle of august and

gt some tracks ....

I need protective styles to keep me from going

flat iron crazy.

Last part of my new journey I plan on losing some

weight ... this time I'm not gonna beat myself up over it

Ima stop attacking myself and just go with the flow

... watch what I'm eating and how much ....

and actually get my lazy butt up sometime and workout.

Not Obbesses over lil things but take baby steps

and I have to thanks my fellow digestess for helping

me through my darktimes and showing me that

no matter what I look like I'm still a beautiful person and

no matter what I go through and do I can still be a better person

and that I am a good person

and as far as looks go .......

Im pretty fucking damn beautiful if I must say so myself

and my body is pretty damn goodlooking.

So fuck my haters ( and yes my hater is me )

I'm tired of putting myself down all the time

mentally and physically.

sick of it and it's time things change.

sooooo heres to change

and yes I will put up pictures .

(i mean more pics as I post,

the next time.

these 2 are a lil rough)

love.sex. && magic

My dear summer
=]
Aruba was okay not
exactly what i had planned or hoped for
but fun .
Highlights
-banana boating
- 18 & over club
- 16 yr old drinking age
-Nalanilove
- Wolfpack

2 of which i was well underaged 4 .
(I'm only 15 as of right now
... b-day 09.09.)

But being home was the best part
stepmom , lil brother, &&& the Dog
GONE
Mybitch (Dad) worked overtime and nights
so house was mine from 11p.m. till 2:30 p.m.
the next afternoon
Talk about living the life
had my boo over every night, kill .
and i felt so good
no sex whats so ever .
Like have you ever just chilled with someone
a whole night laying in ur bed kissing and stuff
but no sex?
i mean to someone else they'd b like ewww
that wasn't cool yall aint do nothing
but to me i appreciate that....
It was refreshing becoming intimate without
getting intimate in one of the most intimate
places you could be intimate . lol
we talked and laughed and kissed ... Goodlife.

Then everyday my dad would come home
and let me go out almost everyday .
went to the smithsonian with my Ohmoney
went to the Harbor
and the Monument with my Mina
I mean life was good
hoping this upcoming week follows
but I don't know when my step-mom comes back
it seems when she is home my dad is a bitch the most
when she aint here me and my dad get along great
he lets me do things I just be chilling
we don't bother each other i do my thing he does his
but when shes here the tension is so thick
everyones panties r in a bunch ....guess this would b life
if he never married her ....
things to ponder

Worst part of my week
I mean i know this is personal but I gotta
keep it real plus if i don't right it down or let it out
it's gonna fuck wit me
but I gotta call from the gyn bout my culture sample
got a Std.... I know I know
how gross but it's funny how you think
things won't happen to you .
funny how little moments of pleasure n stuff
can be turned into something crazy .
i don;t have gonnoreah or nothing but
I mean i'm glad the std I do have is something
I can cure something I can take a couple antibiotics for and call it day .
it's funny how I don't even talk to the guy who I know
gave it to me ... how I wanted to be with him sooooo badly
how he carried me all the time how he treated me .
thinking if I had sex with him he might like me more....
I mean I got the pills n stuff now
and i been taking them and i didsomething curageous
I told him about me having this std
and how i believe he should get tested .
etc etc .
he jah carried me again....
told me he got tested 2 weeks ago and was clean
and I knoooooooooow that couldnt b true
becuase even if i ddnt catch it from him
he would have caught it from me
we did it twice raw and "I" went to the
gyn 2 weeks ago and they took the cultures.

ughhh hate liars ..
ne who I learned
to be safe or have no sex at all .
dnt get persuaded into that shit.....
I regreated telling him at 1st but Im happy I did
I mean hopefully he''ll go gt checkd out
becuase i would hate for him to infect
another girl .... for someone to b in my situation
and not know someone who dont go to the doctors
like i do or someone who dont have a way to get the meds
like i do . whatever the case i did my deed
I am content

Basically this summer I'm growing.
i can feel it .
i mean not physically
(evn though i would like to get
some big old biddies to match this booty lol )
but mentally and emotionally
learning about my self learning
to be a better person ....
to let things go .
to be stronger
to love me .
to be happy

Dear summer ;
I love you! thanks alot =]

Sincerly.
Morg. (XOX XOX XOX0)

One happy little island

going to Aruba
=]
tomorrow.
my bestfriend will b there too.
I love her man.

any whooo
Aruba .. sweet sweet Aruba .
i swear every year I go it bring new beginnings..
I lost my virginity on Eagle Beach
..... that was one of the wort nights i ever had...
but it was the most life changing.
Sometimes I wish I could take it back
be pure again... tender innocence.
but it happened ... and thats life ..
thats where everything began ...
that's what paved things out my 10th grade year..
It was me actually taking chances
not to say i should have done it
but it brought me out of my shell...
maan this year ..... was hell but it was GREAT!

I swear my years are backwards
everyone starts the year january 1st
but mines doesn't start till June 1st.
my summers make and break me for the upcomming
school year. .....
all my resolutions... goals experiences
everything dnt start till then ....

But im not gon get deep
i still got ish to pack and it's
12:01 midnight ....
but yeah might nt b posting 4 a while
but ill be back wit some
pics and stories and life stuff in about a week.

Toodles
-MurdahMimz! lol

Dear God

why am I this way?
it is said i am made 4 a purpose
but that is that?
everyday i am constantly told
reminded and proven that I
aint shit .
Can u believe my father said
fuck me again today
over a damn hash brown?
i mean im not mad and
im not gon let it beat me up
just disappointed because
he had a big temper tantrum
like a bitch (excuse my language
but that's how i talk God ...
y censor it if u hear me talk like this all day
I have confidence that that won't change
how u think or feel about me .... u do love
me right?) but he did that and
then gets mad at me and calls me
selfish and childish .... r u serious?
.... I pray for him God
please give him some insight show him that
he's fuckin crazy sometimes.

God will i ever find someone ?
not a boyfriend or ne of that just guy
that i like that i can chill with ...
a guy that dont mind going out with me
(he don't even gotta dish out ne money)
someone that when we alone he not thinking
Ass tittys pussy fuck
but he genuinely wanna spend his time with me .
he wanna talk to me and get to know me
not about just my sexual life....
someone that keeps it real all the time
and dnt mind the stupid txts i send
and the pointless calls with no motives of fucking.
God y is it that no guy has ever liked me like that?
is it because ima lard ass?
guys don't wanna dare go out in public with me
is it because im boring?
is it because all guy think about when they see me
is ass?
i mean i dnt even wear revealing clothes....
and everytime im talking to someone
they all my friend until we have sex then
it's over...
i mean ive stopped doing that but is that all
guys expect from me?
.... i swear its like all i am is a quick fuck and
i be pouring myself out there being real and
true and they take advantage of that play with my mind and
dogg me out...

God....
y do i dislike myself so much
i know self esteem
is 4 myself self
im spossed2 feel good about me
but i don't
personally i feel im so ugly
not from a physical standpoint
bt everything else
my personality is sooo shitty
the things i do are fucked up
my priorities alll wrong.
evrrrrrything.. and im 15 and im fucking
..... and i been fucking raw...
what part of the game is this?
y am i sucha a idiot God?
.... how i let myself make these mistake time
and time again and i know better.
and don;t let me get started on the physical ...
like seriously does my mouth have an off switch
i just eat and eat and eat ... and i know im just eating everything
i dnt even feel bad about it 4 utha people
but im so tired of looking at my lard ass...
nd when i be working out and eating right that last maybe a month
and then it's back to bn a fat ass....
maaaaan i hate me god ...
god .... help me to love myself
inside and out ...

theres so many things i wanna talk about
with you just don;t have that kinda time...
.... but help me out with these things up there
please im not asking 4 a miracle but just some
tips some signs some something to help me through this ...

Amen.

love
morgan.

Fuckery

i hate that damn movie
"He's Just not that into you"
like seriously .....
like im sooo pisssssed
you uncuntworthy whores of men
..... *takes a deep breathe*
okay i over exxaggerated
but really like .... it was just so

true

like i was just mad the whole entire time
even when everyone mixed and matched and
was happy in the end like
people are seriously fucked up that
we do this shit to each other ....
not just guys
but us females too...

becuase i've had my share of guys that i've
just hooked up with or talked to momentarily
etc etc and didn't even think twice about them
blew their text, phone calls, and messages off.
I felt bad about it but i learned that
people do as they have been done

It's like monkey see monkey do.
People fuck over each other because of their
previous fuck over from someone else
and everyone is trying to play the other person
before they get played

then there are those that are hopeless romantics
that lay themselves on the line time and time again
to just get burned by the same damn flames
different candle every time ....(sometimes it may
even esp. in my case the same fuckin candle)

but really like people ..... is this honestly
how we are living now
using double standards ...
rules.... and exceptions etc. to justify our lives and
our emotional being.
Hell yeah it is because
thats all we know
all we've seen done .

When were tired of playing follow the leader
(who ever and whatever that might be) maybe
the world would be a better place.

Waiting to Exhale

I feel like a hot air balloon
Open to those under neath it
i.e. friends, close companions
but closed to those around it
Constantly being filled
with hot nasty negative airs
So much that I'm flying high above
the clouds .

Like I took a great big breath and
haven't exhaled yet. Like I'm suffocating.
This 2008-09
school year changed my life.
Yes 9'th grade was a good year
but 10'th grade has definitely won the title.
Alot of 1st times doing this and that
and really experiencing things .... without
a care in the world and then
came the biggest hardships and the
biggest downfalls and being hurt.
The many relationships
the guys ....everything.

I went to graduation yesterday
I really felt like crying when
they threw their caps in the air.
I don't know but it's like i felt as if
a part of me was gone.
Like them not being with me in FHS
took a big chunk out of me.
But then I took a deep breathe.

I didn't exhale ... i held the cry in.
i held the breathe in.
I have a hard time accepting losses..
losses in anything.
But I'm learning to let stuff go.
Well not really
but I'm trying.

i "realized" once I
Evaluate.Understand.Realize.
I stated this before previously .
But once I actually do this
and then LET GO .
I can then exhale.

Shout outs

if i ever were to die id want these people
to know I LOVEEEEE THEM!

-Omonigho
-Nalani
-Afryca
-Amina
-Alexis
-Asia W (A. Solo)
-Gabel
-William
-Javel
-Shanee
-Ariana
and family but yeah those wud be my mains
and id hope they come to my funeral. lls

i screamed for Help

but noone did.


today i was very sexually harassed by this
mentally ill boy.
His brother happens to be
one of the star football players as
well as their 4 or 3 older brothers
that came before them but
the youngest one is mentally ill
but very physically able .

He's very friendly when it comes to girls
and girls being nice give them their numbers
etc. etc. jut because he slow.

but I on the other hand rejected
this nature because
I don't think that shit is cute
and I reeeally don;t need him calling
bugging me .... He just flipped out
saying WHY! yelling why (in a retarded voice)
screaming at me pulling at me .

he was so stroooong
Taking me closer trying to kiss me ..
locking my body up between him nd
the walls ... finally i get free nd run
to people but they laugh thinking it's a joke
and im like no it's serious help me !!
and everyone just laughed and left..
So i run away trying to find safety
and there he is chasing me
screaming crazily.

..... now i understand how rape victims feel
like completely helpless under someone
trying to break free .. fighting for urself
and not being able to .

I mean it may not seem serious to u
but i felt completely violated and
helpless. sexual harassment is no
joke because at 1st it may start off as fun and
games but it started to get real and serious
i was really scared.... but i ran to
safety outside ... with a big group ...

It's funny how people just accept things
or turn a blind eye this is our society ...

i coulda been molested or something
he was dragging me down dark parts of hallways
and grabbin at me ......
glad i broke free...

I learned to listen !
when people scream help
and or something seems wrong
im not just going to ignore it
and say "that aint my business"
im going to atleast look into it ....
who knows? it maybe
someone in my same situation.

Better Mood

okay so i kirked out yesterday
..... i'm chilling today ..
just thinking about the future
what summer shall bring
brighter days if you must.

Aruba time is approaching fast
I am enthusiastic about this but at the same
time very skeptical ....
I don't have the beach ready body I wanted
I still have jelly filled arms
and flubber for stomach...
I dread summer ...
I hate the girls and their slim bodies
wearing skimpy clothing i wouldnt dare touch
and then theres me...
wearing what seems to be cute to me
then i step out into the outside world
and find the shit i just put on looks like
ne old thing compared to everyone else.
Niggas don't see me ....
Everyonce in a while Ill go out and maybe
someone will talk to me but usually it's
my beautiful friends getting all the love..
school doesn't count yeah i get the bait in school
but thats only becuase my butt looks gigantic in khakis
outside of school .... im just ur average plain jane lookin
broad...... maybe thicker than her though ...

but still like I said my mood is better and I
dare not bring it down . so I'm taking me
and my big ass beach whale body to
aruba and im going to have a good time.

Forget those that over look me because
I can only go up from here and those that
doubted me and those that turn there noses
upon me will have regrets...
my time will come one day ..

thats me to the left ... i liked the pic
when i took it but after upoading it to the computer
it's really radther ... ugly
stupid hair that is going natural
haven't had a perm in 5 months
that looks real shitty
fat ass grandma flubber arms
that i hate when people squeeze
dumb ass bubble stomach that could definatley
skip a meal or two .... or 5
and freakin back fat ...
uggghhh
wheres the self love

havent joined any sports becuase
i quit them all as soon as i start....
just bn fat ....

fuck it once again .....
one day ill be where
i wanna be but as 4 now
.... this is me .
like it or not.

All the pieces..

Pieces of me ;


Man I'm dressed cute shirt
cute shorts with a cuff and pleat
....nice makeup
hair straightened....
no where to go.

It's so nice outside .
I have no transportation .
Tried to make plans
everyone is busy

Friend #1
is going to a cookout

Friend #2
is going to prom

Friend #3
is off @ museums
&& cookout

Friend #4
is fuck if i know

Friend #5
he's always doing something


Anyways im pissed @ Friend #4 like
seriously bitch u don;t wanna hang out with
me ne more because my dad doesn't trust you?
Because he clocks where we go and he don;t want
me 2 pend the night
like seriously im mad tooo at him
and it sucks he dnt trust me but still
that don;t validate you not hanging with me
but once again i promised myself
i wouldn't get mad at you because of the people
you now radther hang with...
the ones who smoke and drink and
dont come to school and are strippers
and fucking prostitutes....
yeah real classy grop you choosen
the ones that got u not just smoking weed
(Which i can tolerate) but the ones
that got you smoking cigarettes on a daily basis
now ur a nicotine fiend and a alcholic...
Real cute .
How can you say "well damn I'll see if I want you
to come with us cusz u gotta be in the house and shit..
I'll let you kno" and I'm tired of ur ass
hanging up on me everytime I call and damn
u do that shit when u call me ....
FUCK YOU !!

Like seriously u are so my past right now.
Fuck the phone calls
Fuck the going out of my way
to help you out ...
Fuck us as friends man
It's funny cusz 4 real
man I care about u like shit
but friends don't do this to each other
on constant basis .
I mean 4 real i'm always here 4 u but
all that extra shit is out the window
pretty much u are just an old friend
to me ....
like those friends yo talk to occassionally
you may hang out with them but
they not ur inner circle ....
good for you son .... lost my respect in you .
=]

i aint need ur shit neways u stressed me like hell

anyways i called my big brother ...
he's coming to get me ...
I don't need you
to have fun .

Ha ha ..... im hurting like hell on the inside
but ill be good ... im so serious about everything
and i meant everyything
now if only she would ever readd my blogs.....

carried away

yesterday i let my feelings get the best of me
I mean i still feel as though I put others b4 me tryna
please everyone but myself but
never just a big fuck you to my friends...
I love those girls man

as much as mybitch
rants and raves off at the mouth
and makes me angry he did say something today
during in an argument that sparked my interest
got me thinking...

he said " You think with your emotions and
you don't look at reality and whats actually
in front of you"

Damn I hate when mybitch is right.
Everything I've ever done was not because of
instinct and conscious thinking
or with seeing
but with feelings and emotions.

and someone i really am not particular about
said something smart ..
"why is every 1 trying to be different. try being real"
or something to that effect.
Honestly I don't really care for her at all
but she does say things I can agree with and understand
and feel where she coming from ......
maybe thats y we was cool b4...
and i dnt know what happend but it's fake beef

but besides that back to the point

i let my emotions get the best of me ....
now I need to just cool it
and look at reality .....
What can I do to get the job done!

Decieve me baby

Damn .... I hate when I believe something
no btter yet think something n it's not at all true.
This isn't about a nigga or ne thing
because as of right now i dnt talk to ne body.
but this is about my best fucking friend
2 of them inparticular.

I'm a good asss fucking friend.
No doubt no lie.
I mean I do crudy shit sometimes but I'm loyal as fuck
I'm down for my team ne time of day for almost anything.
I've swallowd alot of my fucking fears for you 2 and did
shit I would normally be "FUCK NO" to .
I'd fight and kill for yall...
and I swear if yall was out of my life I'd die
I love yall with my heart nd shit
and when I fucking hear and receive shit like this i'm pissed.

Like seriously i know you feel the drifting between us
but I'm past that becuase oer the past 2 months
a bitch got her shit together and learned to stand
on her own two feet. Thus be independent from you .
But when you this fucking loyal it eats at you knowing
u'd dmn near break ur neck leg and arm for someone else
and they don't ever seem like thhey atleast appreciate it but
more so take advantage of it and your left feeling used

well not anymore....
im tired of busting my ass for you
caring about you and shit and you put my ass
on the back burner ....
I mean I'm alway here for u no doubt
and I'm gon always have ur back
and Ima always love you but
I'm tired of bn used ....... my services
will b focused more on me from now on.

next

and youu....
like seriously surprise surprise
every fucking day feels like a waiste of damn time now
like wow thts how u feel??
I know these r ur feelings and ur right
I can't censor that and shouldn't censor that
and for real for real I respect that
but really, its sad u feel that way
because in my mind it was completly different
thought we was progressing and whole time
........ we back at fucking square 1 .


FUCK this shit .
i'm not really mad
just dissapointed........

decieve me yall
please just one more time
fuck with my mind ......
shiit ....
it kinda hurts cuz
i mean outside of yalll
who else i got?
not my bitch... not my mom
........ and this is what happens?

Shiiiid i dnt even have myself half the time
but id have yall ne time

shit aint right ....
nobody need worry bout me
cuz i do me ...
nd will continue to do so
esp. after this shit...


mood: FUCK YOU BITCHES!

Misunderstoood

It's sad because it's all around me statistical ass broads
My life ..

not the pregnant ass shit which i seen a old
best friend of mine since 6th grade have .
bless her and her daughter
they are like a never ending cycle
g-ma had mom at like 15
mom had old best-friend 13
bestfriend have baby at 16 .......
now she has a daughter.... how ironic
--------------------
back to me

girls just giving up the goods 4 various reason most common
because we associate "like" and "love" with sexual activities.
well atleast thats what i have done ....
but more recently
people keep saying sex is just sex
but i don't think this way
this is where i have misunderstood
if i am able to feel comfortable enough
to share this intimate exchange with you
then it's not just sex
i hate when niggas lead me on
y tell me u like me
spend all this time talking to me
texting me and chilling with me to
just fuck and not speak to me other than
4 other sexual encounters
uggggh
i mean there have beeen 1 or 2 people
that i just talked to 4 those exact reasons
bt when i tell u i like u and put time into u
then thats a different damn story
*sigh*
niggas should be upfront
don't "act" like u like me and shit
just to hit ...
just keep it real and if im dumb enough to still
give it up even after i have been told it's just a
Fuck situation then it's my fault but
when u play with my emotions and have me believe
something else then that's that bullshit...

i guess i misunderstood sex
or maybe they misunderstood me 4 the sex?
either way that hour or so of pleasure
has still left me very unsatisfied in the end.....

I can break without falling

Completely broke down yesterday
I was so touched by the 'Brave New Voices'
poets ... they spoke to me
spoke with me ... spoke of me
if that makes sense.
It was the cry u feel in ur soul
that loud ugly cry ....
but I am still silent.

I think about who am I?
I am nothing... nothing without them .
It's a shame because I am completely lost
with out someone to follow.
A total lackey....
I'd still be that quiet little nerd
girl who doesn't play
at recess.......

I thought about it but again

I let it slide..

i walk not with them but behind them
or in front never beside....
talking to air as if I don't exists...
standing with crowds that don't even
acknowledge my presence.

My bestfriend came to school late
once again I was the one who came
through with her ride
i hadn't seen her
and I ran to her testing site from mines
across the hall....
thats when this girl at the door
says "ur groupies here"
i ssaid what?
she said "ohh nothing"...

i mean what can i say??
it's true
i am a groupie in a sense
... in the morning i work in the office
as a aide so that i dnt have to sit alone
in the cafeteria ......
and at school i don;t go to lunch if my friend
aint come to school or id be all alone ......
Damn......

and people don't understand
because i was at that damn school a whole year
and this year people asking me was i fucking new...
because i was nobody.... i still am nobody becuase im not
myself...........

it's like my friends and i have grown apart
their interest consists of drinking
getting high and partying ....
i mean as bad as i would love to hang with them
still i dn't feel comfortable playing fake
the people know i dn't fit into that
and i hear alotta "whats wrong with ur friend?"
and "ohhh u dnt like having fun and u aint know hood real
person cusz u don't do this and this"

Well look here i beeen around that shit all my fucking life!!
I moved from place to fucking place evicted from this
home and that fucking home ... been left alone for days at a fucking time
picking up my moms mistakes
moved in with my dad to hear nothing but verbal abuse
and strict lines i can't crosss....
beeen there done that
and im not Real!!
wtf is real

i hope u don;t think real is that bitch who smoking with you
and drinking with you because i was there back then when her lil nerdy asss
played yugioh and watched digimon
i was there when people including myself made fun of her
b4 she was Frenchie b4 she had a body b4 she was pretty
b4 she smoked and drank ....
b4 all that shit and shes real??
she lived in the fucking suburbs all her life
and she rides public transportation goes to a couple hoods
and meets a couple niggas and starts living this fastlife
and she's real??

she's a real hood bitch i guess......

i blame myself for following this
letting her be my rock .... my upbringing
standing in her shadow
letting her bring me popularity

...damn im so dumb.....
but i would still be at that lunch table alone sipping milk
looking at that clock
waaiting 4 this shit to be over so
i could go home.....
still be rushing to class cusz i don;t wannna
stand in that hall way alone
..... still the girl noone knows exists...

"ohhh u went here last year?.. never seen u"

damn id be noone ..
still i am noone ..... cusz i aint been myself.

inward energies outward experience

I was reading a blog yest.
from a blogger "Ms.Hussein"
about fashion. As well as lookin at
another blog "Easy on the Eyes"
ms. jasmin has an undeniable sense
of fashion. Both of them very inspirational.
But back to me.
Iv'e seen myself as a person grow no doubt
and my appearance has take a change for the
better . YES! lawwwd .
I'm bad (in a good) as shit.
(it's funny i know this but my insecurities run
higher than any mountain)
Yes i'm pretty but how do i dress?
my outward appearance doesn't match
what i feel how i think i am on the inside.
i don't know if it's because of my size?
but I have a size most females would die for
but still it's hard to go shopping.
i don't know if it's because of the fact i dn't have money
because usually i barley have money to feed myself in school
no im not poor but times r hard.
and it's costly to look good
clothes.. hair... shoes..
i don't know if it's because i just dnt know how to shop.
when i walk into a store i am often fustrated
my eye sees everything and can't zero in on one piece.
it's like anxiety and i just walk around the store ...
i hate shopping ... but i know what i like i just cn't go into a
store and pick it out...
i think it's the combination of all 3 and
thats y i never look how i wanna look.
i dnt know what to do.

Quiet time

It took me 15 years
15 years and 8 months
15 years 8 months nd 7 days
to realize. understand. and evaluate
I've always evaluated and
thought i understood but i ddnt really realize
what it was all about .
how could i realize when looking at things with
un real eyes .
so therefore i did not really understand
I couldn't understand.
All the troubles in my life
all of the things I go through minor and non minor
have been in search of love and acceptance.
It sounds funny but it's true.
... (Im crying now)
but yeah man I started this blog because
Im looking at my sidekick
it's blinking green.
that means i have no notices
no alerts no txt mssgs or calls.
I understand it's 1:55 in the morning
bu i usually have something.
it's quiet time
for once in a very long time
I'm talking to no niggas.
After being dogged out it's actually refreshing.
They have helped me to understand myself ...
understand my worth . understand love .
understand people in an personal way
and un personally due to the way
the have interacted with me both
good and bad... verbally and physically ..

I can't be a bitterbitch
so I'm happy because I say I am.

Stupid girl

..thats what he said
"stupid girl"
me: you think im stupid?
him: naah, just an expression

i let it slide

days go by and me "stupid girl"
still texting him.
he replies
but then i guess he decided
i've already gotten what i want so
let me carry this girl real quick
and she'll leave me alone.
in the middle of conversation
him: yeah ughhhh whatever goodbye

dismissed.
he has a week left in school
........ real nice.


stupid girl

who i do this shit for ?

if it's not for me then who?
clearly it aint for me,
giving myself over
laying myself down on the line
selling myself short
and then theres nothing

nothing; not a damn thing
in return for Morgan
might of fact who the fuck is she?
because clearly noone knows
but they can use her like a host
for there parasite bodies...

but she gives her all to those
who say her name in vain and
could careless if they had met her or not.
and she gives half or not less to
the thins in which should be highest on her list.
and then there is nothing for herself.

so then i again i ask
who i do this shit for ?
clearly it hasn't been for me.

So far gone

The Girl or The World?
someones gotta lose.




I lost.

u r HIV.......

saturday was Health fair
i have to volunteer
because im in national honor society
and i have to go to certain events.
i go
me and chris(friend) have so much fun
we got our faces painted
like kids busting in line n stuff .
feet , hand , and body massages
free everything......
Then i walk past the HIV/AIDS table.
The guy asks me have i ever been tested
i tell him no.
i am scared .
he says think about it .
it only takes 20 min.
i walk away
nicole walks me back and says DO IT!
i walk back to the table shaking and say ill take it.
i follow him down the hall to the screening room
it was like walking to a death chamber
..... i fill out a form .
it is confidential and they don't tell ur parents.
i take the mouth swab and rub it on my gums
twice on the top
twice on the bottom
he sticks it in the solution ...
then we fill out another form
he asks me y i had unprotected sex b4?
he asks me all these questions
i am nervous but i answer
I am scared.
he tells me i have 20 min,...
I walk back to the fair,
the hallway seems so long
the fair is not as fun ne more,...
20 minutes pass
the man told me not to leave until
i get the results.
i kinda dnt want them.
my ride is waiting.
i walk ... the long walk back
there r others sitting outside
filling out forms as i did
my friends mom is the administer
of the 1st form
i am embarrassed.
i walk in .... i sit down
i am HIV
NEGATIVE
he finishes my form and gives me a copy.
----------------------------------
After this test I feel liberated
inspired even.
Me and Victor (tester)
had a good talk .
I want to Wrap it up no doubt.
and I want to get tested
4 utha shit now.
=]
I wanna spread the word
soooo
IT"S IMPORTANT TO GET TESTED
EVERY 6 MONTHS
NO MATTER UR AGE
WHO U ARE
WHAT YOU DO
WHO YOUR HAVING SEX WITH
OR HOW SAFE U THINK YOU ARE
I want you guys to know i support everyone
who has the courage to go out and do it
and my heart goes out to those who are infected
as well as with other STDS and to those who
are too cared to go out and do it.
.. bring a friend and gt testd together=]
our black people r suffering

Fucked up..once again

Damn,,
my bitch just told me to
watch my lil bro .. I was
... thats when the lady from across the hall( stepmom)
came down and her and my bitch were talking so i went upstairs
and left my lil bro with them.
..... no more than 15 min later
all I hear is screamin and wailin
the lady from across the hall is sprawled
across the floor with my lil bro in arm
his mouth is bloody and he's crying
....... Dad scoops him and tells her none of his teeth r out.
he fell to the ground after climbing on top of his stroller
hit his mouth now one of his teeth r jammed in his gums
it's been 3 days since..
he seems to be find now
but hi front tooth looks so fucked...
ugggggh it's all my fualt.
the lady from across the hall thinks it's her fualt
she doesnt know i was suppossed to b watching him...
I feel shitty cusz i know i could have stopped him
Real good job Morgan
fuck up ur trust somemore.

I am ..

I am the one who sits alone

at the lunch table sipping chocolate milk

watching everyone laugh with their friends.

The one that carries all those heavy books

for all her advanced classes and rushes to class

for she has noone to converse with in the hall

and fear of being caught in hall sweep.

i am the girl that gets ohh so nervous in front of

boys and can't stop smiling ...

I am the one who's quiet in the group

and lets all her friends do the talking

I am the one who's too chubby and fat to shop 4 clothes

I am the one who just cries

becuase I'm scared of life

I dnt feel these ways all the
time and I've grown up a lot
and changed in many ways but I am still this girl
I haven't forgotten what I used to be.

Fuck Friends

I wish a guy would want me for more than

just to fuck..

more than just to lay between my thighs

more than just his fuck friend

and whatever the hell else ..

I wish he would want me because he needs me.

He needs me around to make his day and my smile

would lighten up his world.

Our conversation would have so much meaning

so many feelings

genuine sweet feelings.

he wouldn't have to love me but he would care about me .

not just about how i look and how phat my butt is .

or even how rough and fast i like it...

i wish a guy would want me for more than just to fuck .

more than just his fuck friend...

Not Rockin

Wtf?
so nalani hooks me up with juan
as mentioned before....
but remind you guys that i rarely seen him in school
the face just looked familiar.

Soooo Springbreak is over
been talking to Juan a couple days we
agree to c each other in school...
WTF! I see this nigga he short as shit look little as shit.
Lil ass 10 year old looking boy
and he a junior
ohh hell no .

I aint Rockin..


Ummmm the Zo thing is a figment
of my imagination
he texts me bt when i txt back
he gives no further reply
... sooo we nt talking ne more? I guess =/

Geesh I can't leave them previous niggas alone
I hate that my resisitance is so loooow
there like kryptonite to my SuperWomaness lmao

Well this is another quickie 1st period is almost over
Love you guys MUUUUUAH

been gone for a minute

the yelnats and i have officially ended everything
no contact whats so ever
the myspace dead
text dead
calls dead
seeing each other ... extra dead

can you believe
his baby mother told her mother
about the baby and she kicked her out
yelnats mother not wanting her
grandchild on the streets let her move in with them

you damn right i stopped talking to his ass lol
but it was mutual ...

soooo i chilled with zo ... finally
got kinda ... well alota physical ....
lol .... but umm for the most part
i enjoyed it and we cool.

ummm gotta new joint
named
juan
.... well i dk where this is gonna go
but he cool as shit..
and he funny as all outdoors.
only2 problems
he attends the same school as me
and we the same height....

smoove jesus sandals and flipflops 4 me lls
...... tired of short niggas approaching me
geesh

i mean yelnats and all the utha were tall bt
recently i been getting the midget macs...

ummm other news
hair has been natural 4
3 months .. grew 2 inches lls
as well as i did major spring shopping
still got things i wanna get ...
Overall Spring break was good
mom loafed on me again
but im good
got to visit my real family

Things to talk about soon

--Zo
--Juan
--Hair
--School/grades
--Clothes
--ME ♥
just a quickie 4 my digestees

bad girls club

i'm just being bad latley
i totally skipped school 4 the 1st time lmao
i actually left and hopped in a car with my friends.
well my friends and i hopped in the car
with these guys but same difference.
any ways........ the significance
of that is that my aunt is an administrator
and the school go to i not in my district
so she take me to and from school
this operation had to be smooth

so we go to my bestie frenchies house
everything cool
watching tv
then dude strt asking 4 my number
... we playing, laughing, talking i give it to him
then thats when frenchie and rell go 4 tht alone time
bridget i there and shes preggo so utha dude
which i think is triflin was all up on her talking
"pregnnt pussy the wetest she shittin on yall"
im like ewww but do you brah
ne ways dude talking to me named draino lls...
so he's all sucking my neck and grinding his body on
top of me while im sitting on the steps
... no i did not just say hey ! lay on me !!
i tell dude stop and im tryna push him off but
hes persistent and once those lips touched my
neck i got weaker but then he started saying
"whassup with you though? u tryna yeah?"
im like wtf no. ... do i know you?

time fast foward
so it' like n hour or two later
me frenchie nor bridget given up the cheeks
so basically they tryna dip
mind u i gottah get back to school cusz it's
been over 4 like n hour
and my aunt gon be leaving soon.
im like take me baccccccccck!!!!
he ask rell 4 the keys
and he's out to take me then
rell says "what u gon do 4 tht ride?"
im like bitch why wud u say that
and im like what ?!?
this is so cruddy so after about 15min of rguing
they leave im stranded


our dumb asses calling
everybody and they momma
no luck time winding dwn
finallly im like ima catch the bus
we standing outside
4 like 10 min
thats when rob just happend to drive by
he takes me back to the school 4 5$'
i ddnt even care if i paid him 10$ 5$ a kisss
it aint matter lls i just had to get to the school

i get there and my aunt is still there
but my jcket smells like ll weed
thnks to robs carr.
so i run to my locker and spray and air out

basically i got away with skipping
and getting back
moral of this is
Fuck NIGGAS!!
pussy fiends

& Who knew

This weekend I got bagged.

I got bagged on the day I wasn't

even doing anything but I lied about where i was

and got caught up.

geesh but i'll live

if only dad knew where i was

or what i was doing the night before

that lil lie about being in my friensds house but

really we were up the street would be nothing.

Lol I sound like one of those sluttygirls.

Like those girls on the movies who are like really good but

every chance they are away from their

parents they go crazy and get wild.

I saw yelnats it had been 3 weeks

since the last time.

It was okay.

can't believe the things i did ....

or him ... with him geeeesh

Im bold as all hell but

thats another stroy all together and this is a blog

and quite frankly we won't go there.

lol .

i think I'm starting to finally live this

life of mine.... Doing things that make "me" happy

and not giving a fuck about my bitch at all.

Anyways

when I was in middle school and i

used to get on the computer there

was this guy named Zo.

all these boys would steal his pictures

and act like him.

but he was so beautiful and he lived in the area

i went to school. Girls would geek over this

nigga something crazy

including me and my stupid friends.

i never ever knew him

Don't think i would ever get to know him

i didn't even think he would ever talk to me.

but thats was like 2 1/2 to 3 years ago.

recently my highschool plays his school

in a basketball game and heres there.

I know it's him becuase it's like

thats "ZO"! lol thats like my 1st time

ever seeing this dude in person.

He doesn't even notice me but I'm not

even sitting where he can see me.

Almost a week later I recieve a

message on myspace

from Zo.

Several fakes have his pictures so

I don't believe it's him.

but then I look at his friends and they

are all the same people i seen him with at the

game and he has all this Capital Heights stuff on his page.

So im like it has to be the real one becuase

fakes don't have real friends lol

just a bunch girls on their tops.

Long story short I give dude my number.

We start talking and we hanging out this thursday

after school.

.....

Who knew i would

ever talk to Zo?

wow lol.

and for real for real

it's like i used to be so pressed . wishd

i knew him wishd I could get him

and now it's like i got him and ....

and idk lol .

it's crazy how things come around.

Yess;

no bf.
it was my fault
i ended it.
it goes down like this:

yesterday i go out with my friend
afryca to the movies.
we were spossed to spend the night
at her grammas house
which is like 5 min away from my EX-boyfriend
but we can't because she has a job orientation
so we go back to her house instead
long story short
he's mad because by the time the movie is over
and the train ride etc i couldn't go to see him
and he couldn't come to my friends house.
so he's all like u don't care and
u not tryna c me blah blah bla
... sum it up
i was like im just not ready to be in a relationship
and that i knew everything was gonna
mess up when we made it official and that
im not good with this love stuff
ive never even been in anything long-term
then he' like
u don't care about shit
u dnt wnna be wit me
bye u playin stupid games.
fuck it . fuck us.
.....
i wasn't even hurt or upset
just feeling bad
because
this is the 1st , 2nd , i mean 3rd
time i done killed a boys heart
and they had all these feelings for me
and now they be all Fuck females
they all the same and do girls dirty
because they thought i was different
"your(my) demeanor && swagg is
different from other girls"or so they say
then i just don't connect ne more
and drop em or worse cheat.
(i've only cheated once like
had 2 bf's @ the same time and that was like 08)

then i txt him
and i say
i want us to be good friends
like b4 and have no labels because
the bf and gf thing has killed us entirely.
he agreed
and said that he still loved me nd wanted to c me nd
that we still together even though we nt
bf and gf if that makes sense

damn
as im writing the blog as of now
he txt me
"where r u?"
me: at home
him: i have something to tell u
me : ok
him: remember the girl i ued to talk to like
3month b4 u and we was together 4 8
me:yeah
me: what is she pregnant? lmao
him: yeah ; 3 months to be exact
and i jut found out today
and thats why i was kirkin out on u
and if u want to leave becuase this is to much u can
me:i like u reguardless baby or not
him: you sure
me:yeah
him: u know her needs come b4 urs
me: yeah, but i dnt need ne thing from u
im straight
him:you sure
me: WTF do you want me to say no
him: shutup lol i love you
me: i love you too

------- moral is
im boyfriend less
but my dude lls
has a baby on he way
.......... wow
he done fucked my post up
that wasn't even the moral b4 lol
..... geesh .
but im mature.
ill get through this.
but YES!!!! im kinda free

Failure

... && all those numbers are back in my phone
all their numbers +1 .
4 fucking numbers all in 10's
40 fucking numbers that are holding me back
from keeping my promise
ughhhh i feel so weak .
Am I hard of saying no?
and just turning my back to 'em?

Haven't seen yelnats in 2 weeks.
ummmm it's to the point
where I'm becoming uninterested
I mean I care 4 dude
but I aint feeling it
it got too physical too soon
to the fact I can't even connect with him
on an emotional or mental level ne more.
But he's still around . . we talk everyday
but about nothing. . . .
We are missin substance .
i don't blame him but more so myself
I just get bored so quickly

I Like booooooys and the like me toooooo
I feel so dirty i mean I havent cheated
or done ne thing with ne one else but I be "talking'
to others... I can't help it
I don't wannna be a player nooo more.
But im not a player I just crush alot lmao.
Oh god im terrible

even though I should be focused on my bf
these utha niggas have ticked me off
aiight so when i put those numbers back in my fone
and i start talking back again we txt allllll the time
then a week passes by U(they) lol aint txting no more
but somehow every friday U(they) know my number so
well and can ask me what im doing tis weekend
and tell me how much you (they) wanna c me .
Now that some shit
.. but i never gt played cuz i never go 4 that
i just keep leading them on and i dnt even fckin
know y?!

for instance

this boy we gon call him (bball)
cusz he plays basketball lol
ne waysz me and bball been talking..
one day we on the phone and bball was like
gosh u sooo fake
im like how
he was like cusz u got the bait (niggas)
and u be faking on me when we in school
u dnt be tryna hug me in the hall way
and i think it's cusz u got the bait and u dnt want ne 1 to know
we talk and u be just faking on me hard
then i gt txt saying ' u wanna chill?'
im like no
he'like u alwys denyin my wood
im like wtf. but i dnt txt back

other instance
we go call him Gangsterjerk
lol ne waysz this one told me gt away that time in class
so ne wayz i c him after school
i was like let me talk to you
he says walk wit me real quick please
i gotta go to my locker
sooo i go lol (i kno ikno)
he as like y u so fake ?
im like what? dejavu n shit. lol
u be fkin on me hard u tell me u like me
then when i be tryna give u hugs n stufff
u be like "nooo" and when i be tryna chill
u be like naaah
and dnt call or txt me or nothing
ur playing these little girl games .
and im like "im not fake"
it's ur fault cuz u only talk to me when
u feel like it n shit. blah blah blah
then when im leavin school i get a txt
frm him and he' like
"im wana come c u tonight
i want to see ur body tonight
nd im not playing im serious"
and i laugh cuz im like 10 min ago
i was fake and u wasnt talking to me
for like a week BITCH
so i just wrote really now?
and i can't take u seriously
i dnt kno wht he txtd back i aint read it.

instance 3
we call this one foot ball
so me nd ftball bn talkin casually since
summer i swear he just want to fuck
but recently like maybe a month ago he says
i like you and i be looking at you but i dnt know how to express
how i feel and i wanna talk to you blaah blah
ut everytime we gt on the fone
he b serious and i just laugh becuase i can't trust him
so we txt every now and again.
so he txts me same day as all the others lls
And asks what im doing
and can he come c me
im like naah im at home ppl home too
(not that i would allow him to come over ne way)
and im on my period( i was lol) srry 4 that lol)
and we cudnt do nuffn ne way so y u txting me
and he's like i dnt care and im like ughhh ewww
and he's like nt like i wanna fck but i dnt care if u on
becuase i wanna chill reguardless of that and u can come to my house
and im so taken a back becuase no boy has ever said that to me
(sad i know well some have like 1 has)
bt ne ways im like wow u was serious u liked me becuase
when we 1st started talking all he wanted to do was fuck

but im not gon let my guard down becuase boys
will say ne thing to get brownie points
then go in for the kill

but ne ways moral of this is
i have fucking boyfriend
and im talking to 3 utha niggas +1
well nt really but im playing 3 utha niggas plus 1

ima terrible female ...
i feeel horrible and fake
but it's like all my life ppl
even my immediate family have played me .
now it's like i can't take people seriously
and i can't commit to nothing
i quit everything
sports, dance, instruments, homework, realtionhips
....i kinda suck as a person right now but
im happy overall
i mean atleast im not in denail and for the most part
i feel good about myelf i haven't done nething really
bad to mess me nd yelnats up .
my mind is in blaaaaaaaaaaaah

i put all my buissness on a friggn blog
and im basically cheating and playin wit
peoples minds and everything is not okay ....


lmao now yall probaly think im crazy.

When you’re fearful, you stumble.

i forget where exactly i hear this quote.
but it's true
truer than true (is truer a word?)
Anyways back to fear
all my life i been s scardy cat
i don't know i just don't have ne back bone
i mean i dnt let ne bitch me forreal
but i don't have no spunk like
no zestfulness . I dnt go crazy
and jst live my life "ayyy yaaa yaaa"
lol.
but seriously i spend all my time
being fearful that i am not happy.
it messes up my aura and shit...
it makes me Fall flat on my
scared face.

..... well thats all for now
ill blog more later
. my blogs been short lately and
kinda meaning less but this shit
is for me to empty my mind ...
so if you dnt like my blog
DONT READ IT...

Raw emotion

Sometimes I wish I could just be numb.
Like not feel anything.
none of the things my dad says.
none of the crud boys do to me.
none of the way my stepmom treats me.
none of the abandonment from my moms.
none of the failure.
none of the not good enough
none of the disrespect.
none of the lies.
none of the hurt.
none of the scared.
none of the emotion.

But I wear my emotion thick all over like
fat asss fllabby skin ........
i feeel so much anger... so much sadness
not just from the things others do to me
but from myself
..... it's like i've let all this bull shit get to me
and im just shut down run down
... i just made a bad ass poem
but i aint ready
to let people hear it yet.
im not ready to be judged.
but it's called


Raw emotion.

Ignorant Shit

"Love is blind, and it will take over your mind
What you think is love, is truly not

You need to elevate and find"

I'm more than overly tired with myself.
Why do I continue to do the things I warn others not to.
I've never been one for relationships ...... to b honest I
have never really been in one. Maybe a couple
flings here and there and maybe might have "said" bf and gf
but it wasn't real. I'm only 15 though.
But this ... this right here is as real as the sky is blue and the
grass is green. Yelnats nd I are ... OFFICIAL.
It's really scary to me this love thing. I'm not even sure
I really honestly love him but there's this weird feelin i get
not like sexual but a genuine one when I talk to him and
when I am with him. I can't play with him like I could sooooo
easily with ne other guy but when I am talking to him I can't
even think to lie.... think to say ne thing to mess us up.
He's got me so open. It's like Iv'e never in my life had a guy
that I could talk to and tell him everything ... and i mean everything
&& feel okay and comfortable enough to even do that.
I actually trust him.

But that is not the reason for this post.

What I am getting at is the relationship bit.
When Yelnats and I 1st started talking it was just deep like
nothing more .... maybe a lil less on my side lol but
we weren't trying to start ne thing neither of us would finish.
we talked about this all the time. both scared giving "us" a label
would mess everything up. But on March 1st he asked and I said yes.
For at least 20 min after he asked I was in hysteria. I cried thinkin about it.
I couldn't believe it had gotten so serious. But "I"said "YES".
like I dn't think you understand the sinificance of that word yes
but me , guys and the word yes do not mix well.

Ne ways on the 3rd Yelnats says
I know we talked about this before and each of us
has been talkin to "one" other person but I think
that you talk to more than 'one' other.
Not that this is a bad thing but I can tell you got
alotta niggas and you not ugly so there will be alot
of niggas on you. what I mean is tht if you feel you not
ready to be in this realationship just tell me. becuase I'd
rdther find out from you than to find out somethin myself.
I wouldn't never be mad becuase I love you and you know
that and you know i would wait for you.

I mean it sounds like typical nigga talk but you gottah
know him. I recognize real.... and it be oozin out of this nigga
naturally.

But still I haven't made my point yet.

Yes hes right I do talk to like 3 other guys than him....
but thats becuase we weren't serious at the time.
What makes me mad is that I can't seem to drop these
3 niggas. They are repeat niggas. Like niggas I keep sayin
"why you keep fucking me over?" about but I keep lettin
them re-enter my life and play with my head.
I swear no matter how much I delete their numbers and how long
I go without talking to them tht number ends back up in my fone.
It's like this everytime.
Something sooo good is right infront of my face but I don't even acknowledge it .
I gottah turn around and walk dwn the street to talk to the guy
that doesn't really gives a rats ass about me but what I look like and
could he possibly have a chance to lay me down. or "chill"
aint that what they call fuckin now? lmao Im hip to this shit niggas.

But what makes me mad is that I know they playing me .
That I know they don't care about whatever it is I do or wanna do
and still I'm so blinded but what? I don't know and keep
letting them do this to me. Like in Eves song love is blind
she says " Tired and Tired but she never could escape you.
she was in love and I'd ask her how? I mean why?
what kind of love from a nigga would black your eye?
what kind of love from a nigga every night make you cry?
what kind of love from a nigga make you wish he would die?"
I don't love ne of them or ne thing and I aint gettin beat up
(I WISH A NIGGA WOULD) but thats similar to my situation
like I keep saying I'm done with it even before Yelnats
came along because noone deserves that but I keep them
around for some reason and I know they doin me wrong.
i let them do me wrong.... and thts what hurts the most.

Example (this is what happend today )
so I always talk to this boy in class he' always messing
with me so when I go over to him today (I know I was
a thirsty broad coming to him and shit) he acts like he dnt
even wanna talk to me . but he's tryna grab my butt
and he's tryna touch me. I push his hands off.
he tells me to "go away girl leave me alone"
so im pissed like wtf? we been talking
everyday "like real serious talking (on my side any way)
about this issue of fakin. just about and yur dissin me .
so i just leave "it" alone.
as we leave the class he tries to grab me
I'm like "dnt touch me!"
and he gts mad at me .....

WTF
ne ways i txt him later and say "u fake'
he says '...ok'
am i the only one who see's something
extremely wrng with this picture?

Then it makes me think of Jay-Z's song ignorant shit.
How he comes raw and he be thinking with his lyrics
but people would prefer that igorant shit.

"This that ignorant shit you like
nigga fuck shit ass bitch trick plus ice.
c'mo i got that ignorant shit you love
nigga fuck shit maricon puta and drugs.
etc. etc"

It's all these great guys with substance approaching me
who stood by me . listend to me . was there for me. cared
for and about me. not just to fuck or get something me but in
exchnge for the same care back . But I pushed them all away for that
ignorant shit.

I won't mess up with yelnats. I promise you that. naaah, I promise me that.

get me bodied

ookay so im bloggin
like crazy because i been slippin
im doing this just incase i slip..... again lol
keep yalll blog fiends fed well.

personally ive had alot of trouble with my body
my self esteem used to be so low.
When i was younger i was fat lmao
then i was chubby
now im like thick.....
i love my body
but sometimes
i go back to those dark times
and i look at myself in the mirror
an hate everything i see.


but i just want to say i love me
regardless of what anyone has to say
or anyone thinks .
i love my loose butt that jiggles when i walk
and big ole hips that make
some clothes impossible to wear lol
my breast that always seem to show cleavage
no matter what shirt i wear.
nd my stomach
that has never been ab defined
but shit it's mine ....
and most of all i love myself
even if i fuck up im not a complete disaster
i am somebody and ima make something of myself
im not a stupid girl .

SUCK DICK SLOW DAD.

bitch and moan
bitch and moan
this fuckin bitch done took my phone
what the hell is your problem?
take dick slow dad keep on slobbin

lls. im funny as shit when im mad
sooooo ummm i have a terrible cold
after this past weekend
my friends sweet 16. ily nalani
any ways im sleepin
no school today it was snowin
ne ways the bitch calls me
i pick up the phone all ugly
he says whts wrong
i say im sick and dnt feel well.
he gets mad.
very mad and says your always sickor some utha excuse
and then hangs up
thnx 4 the random call dad ...
i go back to sleep
he comes in my room about an hour or two later
and says give me your phone
i say okay
'if your sick you dont need a phone
i don't want it to disturb you "
"i needed you to help me shovel snow
but you were to sick give me your phone"
-------- seriously dad... come on
so i go on with my day
tht was about 4 .
it was about 8 30
i ask him 4 it back
he says
"NO leave my office
your always makin excuses when i need you
as soon as you come in the house from school
you go to sleep. and you just hibernate in your room
and never come out . then every weekend you
ask to leave and your always on this damn phhone"
he says more but it's alot to type
i mean when he called earlier
he said not a word about snow... he just hung up
so wtf.

if he knew how it is livin in this house
i hate his pesence
i hate being around him
and everytime i am arond him
all i hear is bad things from him
y wud i want to sit around with him all day .

this weekend on sunday we go to sleep
at 5 in the morning
when i come home i extremly tired
so i go to my room
he comes in and tries to snatch my phone then ...
he says
"wht a waist of life you are.
all u do is sleep and when you get up u stay up all night
on the phone
eat sleep phone ...... give me ur phone"
so i tell him ill stay up .
thnx dad that really how you wake me up though. BITCH ASS NIGGA

------ wtf doe he mean
i dnt do ne thing
i do every fucking thing nigga
i work hard to win ur fuckin approval
and even when i try im still fuckin wrong
...... your a bitch dad
a faggot ass cum mouthed bitch
............
man i swear i can't be happy 4 nothing.

A whole new world

my dad eased up 2 weekends ago.
He let me stay out till 1:30
...... it' long ass story but I almost got caught..

then he let me go out the next day
and gave me money .............
mabe he got some sex idk but i like him that way.
shiiiid and he was gon let this boy give me a ride home
aaaaaand he let me hang out with my bestfriend .

this is a whole new world to me
so bitches let me enjoy my magic carpet ride

Beast mentality

Haven't blogged in a long time
Iv'e been so busy but check it (lmao)


I'm feeling real raw like real guttah right now
I don't know y exactly but yeah

So I got this bitch .
Not a ride a die bitch
but an annoying fussy bitch
scardy cat won't let me live my life bitch
even when I aint done shit the type
to say I done wrong bitch
This bitch that bitches about bitches
that I role with bitch.
a bitch of all bitches ... talking about
my daddy bitch.

Alright I do give my bitch some credit though. We had the bird in the cage talk. Or dog on the leash talk if you consider my life. I told him about this lil 9th grader (he was so cute) that said I was pretty and he wanted to take me to 711. I though it was so funny. Then my dad said "so if your not a 711 kinda girl what kinda girl r you? I was like breaking pockets or not? he says "yeah he got bank nd he drive and all that" so I'm like yeh...... mmm CHEESCAKE FACTORY lol. then we get into the whole so can boys pick me up from the house and shit ...and he's like cool. Then we get into the whole boyfriend thing and if he met them how he would act. Actually he respondid btter than i thought. he said "iif he has the balls to meet me then i don't mind you going out with him." and then im like r u going to be a butt bout it "and he says ima jut ask some questions and hope he's not a fuckup. then yall can go out as long as yall call me and let me know where yall r etc etc. I mean i don't know if this is true or not but when i asked him this befoe he bitched and moaned and told me I better not have a boyfriend. so aint this progress?.

---- this conversation was days after my horrrrrrible valentines day

2-14-09
was the worst v-day experience ever
so ummmm i go to my bestfriends house
her mom isnt home but her brother is
my dad doesn't like my bestfriend at all.
sooooo he doesn't want me to go but he lets me
as soon as we pull up her brother is gttn in the car and leaving.
not a good look at all
so when i get in my dad calls and says y is her brother leaving
are you lyin to me etc etc.
im like noooo i can have her brother call you etc i ddnt know he was leavin.
he says whtever hve him call me when he get back.
so we order chinese food and watch movies
her bro comes in and we call my dad.
he seems okay with it... i dk
but my dad has to work so i asked my aunt to pick me up
i want to spend the night but when i call again to ask my dad
he says no...
not just no
but
"i don;t like your friend shes waisting her life.
and your a lier and why do you have to spend
the night at others houses ? you don't do suff
in the house BLAGGGH BLAAAAAH"
sooo ummmm basically he thinks
me and my firiend were havin some sex
crazed orgy( lmao) at her house while her people
were away when he was finally finished rappin.
for once in my life i when i wasn't tryna do nothing
but chill because my bestfriend and i both got stoood up
he thinks im doing something.
what a bitch.

I'm tired of this nigga forreal
just 2 1/2 more years

Updates

Hello digestees!!
i didn't think anyone read this stuff
but thnnnx everyone for your support.
but ummmm here i go.
First off Happy Valentines day♥
even to those of you who got a boo
or those of you who are single and lovin yourself.

well, on the up side I'm off punishment.
Happy and smiling once again.
It's 3rd quarter and i'm getting a fresh start.
I am determined to do good. =]
.. well I'ma try.
-----
this week got alot of numbers
hmmmm some old flames tryna get rekindled ...
some new ones tryna start up
ahhhhhhh this is crazy
it's so random and "alla sudden".
but im not complaining it's been a while
since i've talked to someone.

ole yelnats blew my v-day ...
..... y the fuck would you make plans
to go to the club with your "mans"
when we been planning to go out for a week
then on top of that you gottah work till 6 ...
and you tell me "maybe I can see you b4 I go to the club?"
no bitch i dnt wanna see you we had dinner to go to.
lol but im not even really mad cusz like i said
he's just company. fuck him

but just for today lol

omg i have o much i wanna blog about but
it's too much to type .. nd i should have been
keeping this updated...

but to end on a higher note
im stepping out today and regaurdless
of all the lovy duvy people put there
nd my lonely ass i WILL have fun.

She lives in my lap

*listnin to prototype - andre 3000
--really the whole love below cd*

hmmm Crazy thoughts.
I need cash and lots of it.
i actually need to do this school work
but I can't. When I open up these books
my head starts to hurt and sleep comes over me
How did I fall into this place?
I the "used" to be straight A student
have become a good B student with
the occasional C, ...or 2 now in my case, student.
-----------
I could say I'm a little depressed but I can't admit that.
Ive become lazier and lazier as the days have gone
we haven't had conditioning in a good while... I think I'm
back out of shape. Hair is a total mess.
ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! where the fuck is my happiness.
cn't even talk to the people who make me smile.

what am I 10?

I'm nearly 16 year old and I'm on punishment.
yes, not just stay in the house punishment but
I'm taking your cell phone no house phone punishment.
Like seriously and while I'm explaining this to someone
they say "awww I remember sneaking on the phone!"
really though... did you have to say that? BITCH!
yeah I feel like I'm 10 years old . i cn't see him
i cnt call him Does this life suck? yeah it does.

I am not my hair

Ughh .
hair =[ good ole short messy hair.
i kinda like it thick myself but it's too nappy
or so they say but I don't have the money
to get it done. everyone has something
to say about my hair but noone has put out
a dime for the shit to get done. So fuck what your saying.
I love short hair but it's too much maintenance for me
I don't have the money or the tools to keep it
done . I want my long carefree hair back but
it take too long to grow. hmmmm hair;
aint it funny how stupid shit
like hair consumes our time but important shit
like school seems to fly by.
I want color and extensions I want to go all out
but daddy says no and my pockets don't seem
to produce enough mula for the shit.
when this science fair blows over
I guess i'll go get it done.
money.... you got me again.
I need a job .

u woudnt get far.

Finally 3rd quarter.
Meaning sweet summer back in my arms very very soon.
I messed up the second quarter something serious . . . procrastination got the best of me.
i promised myself that this time it would be different but it's always the same.
I must seem like a sorry guss all the time. grrr I hate emotion.
My mind latley been on some other shit . some hurt shit..
some thinkers shit.
Man this Yelnats has really not sincken in. I think it's more of having someone to speak to for
hours on end and even if not saying nothing just knowing that he's there ready to just listen to my bullshit and vise versa. He tells me that he wants to be more than friends..... and this was off some first day shit he said he can tell im real. While any other time I woud have considerd it but I said no.... I mean not forever no but not right now no. He says 'but whenn?" I tell him I don't know and when it feels right I suppose". He says to me ' you know like I know it feels right. I make you smile and I make you laugh.. I make you happy and you make me happy and BLLAH BLAH BLAH" I mean usually I would fall so easily to this kinda shit but I can't . I did this shit too many times in the past , too many times , for shit to turn sour like every other time. I'm not saying fuck love but right now I just want to enjoy your company. you listen to my shit and I listen to yours and we just talk smoove like that. It seems like thatd just be using him but my heart aint ready for lovein nobody . Shit it was never ready and I refuse to be nieve stupid heartbroken morgan once again. .... sorry yelnats tht boyfriend and girlfriend thing seems far from our future but your sweet and i am no future teller.