I can break without falling

Completely broke down yesterday
I was so touched by the 'Brave New Voices'
poets ... they spoke to me
spoke with me ... spoke of me
if that makes sense.
It was the cry u feel in ur soul
that loud ugly cry ....
but I am still silent.

I think about who am I?
I am nothing... nothing without them .
It's a shame because I am completely lost
with out someone to follow.
A total lackey....
I'd still be that quiet little nerd
girl who doesn't play
at recess.......

I thought about it but again

I let it slide..

i walk not with them but behind them
or in front never beside....
talking to air as if I don't exists...
standing with crowds that don't even
acknowledge my presence.

My bestfriend came to school late
once again I was the one who came
through with her ride
i hadn't seen her
and I ran to her testing site from mines
across the hall....
thats when this girl at the door
says "ur groupies here"
i ssaid what?
she said "ohh nothing"...

i mean what can i say??
it's true
i am a groupie in a sense
... in the morning i work in the office
as a aide so that i dnt have to sit alone
in the cafeteria ......
and at school i don;t go to lunch if my friend
aint come to school or id be all alone ......
Damn......

and people don't understand
because i was at that damn school a whole year
and this year people asking me was i fucking new...
because i was nobody.... i still am nobody becuase im not
myself...........

it's like my friends and i have grown apart
their interest consists of drinking
getting high and partying ....
i mean as bad as i would love to hang with them
still i dn't feel comfortable playing fake
the people know i dn't fit into that
and i hear alotta "whats wrong with ur friend?"
and "ohhh u dnt like having fun and u aint know hood real
person cusz u don't do this and this"

Well look here i beeen around that shit all my fucking life!!
I moved from place to fucking place evicted from this
home and that fucking home ... been left alone for days at a fucking time
picking up my moms mistakes
moved in with my dad to hear nothing but verbal abuse
and strict lines i can't crosss....
beeen there done that
and im not Real!!
wtf is real

i hope u don;t think real is that bitch who smoking with you
and drinking with you because i was there back then when her lil nerdy asss
played yugioh and watched digimon
i was there when people including myself made fun of her
b4 she was Frenchie b4 she had a body b4 she was pretty
b4 she smoked and drank ....
b4 all that shit and shes real??
she lived in the fucking suburbs all her life
and she rides public transportation goes to a couple hoods
and meets a couple niggas and starts living this fastlife
and she's real??

she's a real hood bitch i guess......

i blame myself for following this
letting her be my rock .... my upbringing
standing in her shadow
letting her bring me popularity

...damn im so dumb.....
but i would still be at that lunch table alone sipping milk
looking at that clock
waaiting 4 this shit to be over so
i could go home.....
still be rushing to class cusz i don;t wannna
stand in that hall way alone
..... still the girl noone knows exists...

"ohhh u went here last year?.. never seen u"

damn id be noone ..
still i am noone ..... cusz i aint been myself.