bad girls club

i'm just being bad latley
i totally skipped school 4 the 1st time lmao
i actually left and hopped in a car with my friends.
well my friends and i hopped in the car
with these guys but same difference.
any ways........ the significance
of that is that my aunt is an administrator
and the school go to i not in my district
so she take me to and from school
this operation had to be smooth

so we go to my bestie frenchies house
everything cool
watching tv
then dude strt asking 4 my number
... we playing, laughing, talking i give it to him
then thats when frenchie and rell go 4 tht alone time
bridget i there and shes preggo so utha dude
which i think is triflin was all up on her talking
"pregnnt pussy the wetest she shittin on yall"
im like ewww but do you brah
ne ways dude talking to me named draino lls...
so he's all sucking my neck and grinding his body on
top of me while im sitting on the steps
... no i did not just say hey ! lay on me !!
i tell dude stop and im tryna push him off but
hes persistent and once those lips touched my
neck i got weaker but then he started saying
"whassup with you though? u tryna yeah?"
im like wtf no. ... do i know you?

time fast foward
so it' like n hour or two later
me frenchie nor bridget given up the cheeks
so basically they tryna dip
mind u i gottah get back to school cusz it's
been over 4 like n hour
and my aunt gon be leaving soon.
im like take me baccccccccck!!!!
he ask rell 4 the keys
and he's out to take me then
rell says "what u gon do 4 tht ride?"
im like bitch why wud u say that
and im like what ?!?
this is so cruddy so after about 15min of rguing
they leave im stranded


our dumb asses calling
everybody and they momma
no luck time winding dwn
finallly im like ima catch the bus
we standing outside
4 like 10 min
thats when rob just happend to drive by
he takes me back to the school 4 5$'
i ddnt even care if i paid him 10$ 5$ a kisss
it aint matter lls i just had to get to the school

i get there and my aunt is still there
but my jcket smells like ll weed
thnks to robs carr.
so i run to my locker and spray and air out

basically i got away with skipping
and getting back
moral of this is
Fuck NIGGAS!!
pussy fiends

& Who knew

This weekend I got bagged.

I got bagged on the day I wasn't

even doing anything but I lied about where i was

and got caught up.

geesh but i'll live

if only dad knew where i was

or what i was doing the night before

that lil lie about being in my friensds house but

really we were up the street would be nothing.

Lol I sound like one of those sluttygirls.

Like those girls on the movies who are like really good but

every chance they are away from their

parents they go crazy and get wild.

I saw yelnats it had been 3 weeks

since the last time.

It was okay.

can't believe the things i did ....

or him ... with him geeeesh

Im bold as all hell but

thats another stroy all together and this is a blog

and quite frankly we won't go there.

lol .

i think I'm starting to finally live this

life of mine.... Doing things that make "me" happy

and not giving a fuck about my bitch at all.

Anyways

when I was in middle school and i

used to get on the computer there

was this guy named Zo.

all these boys would steal his pictures

and act like him.

but he was so beautiful and he lived in the area

i went to school. Girls would geek over this

nigga something crazy

including me and my stupid friends.

i never ever knew him

Don't think i would ever get to know him

i didn't even think he would ever talk to me.

but thats was like 2 1/2 to 3 years ago.

recently my highschool plays his school

in a basketball game and heres there.

I know it's him becuase it's like

thats "ZO"! lol thats like my 1st time

ever seeing this dude in person.

He doesn't even notice me but I'm not

even sitting where he can see me.

Almost a week later I recieve a

message on myspace

from Zo.

Several fakes have his pictures so

I don't believe it's him.

but then I look at his friends and they

are all the same people i seen him with at the

game and he has all this Capital Heights stuff on his page.

So im like it has to be the real one becuase

fakes don't have real friends lol

just a bunch girls on their tops.

Long story short I give dude my number.

We start talking and we hanging out this thursday

after school.

.....

Who knew i would

ever talk to Zo?

wow lol.

and for real for real

it's like i used to be so pressed . wishd

i knew him wishd I could get him

and now it's like i got him and ....

and idk lol .

it's crazy how things come around.

Yess;

no bf.
it was my fault
i ended it.
it goes down like this:

yesterday i go out with my friend
afryca to the movies.
we were spossed to spend the night
at her grammas house
which is like 5 min away from my EX-boyfriend
but we can't because she has a job orientation
so we go back to her house instead
long story short
he's mad because by the time the movie is over
and the train ride etc i couldn't go to see him
and he couldn't come to my friends house.
so he's all like u don't care and
u not tryna c me blah blah bla
... sum it up
i was like im just not ready to be in a relationship
and that i knew everything was gonna
mess up when we made it official and that
im not good with this love stuff
ive never even been in anything long-term
then he' like
u don't care about shit
u dnt wnna be wit me
bye u playin stupid games.
fuck it . fuck us.
.....
i wasn't even hurt or upset
just feeling bad
because
this is the 1st , 2nd , i mean 3rd
time i done killed a boys heart
and they had all these feelings for me
and now they be all Fuck females
they all the same and do girls dirty
because they thought i was different
"your(my) demeanor && swagg is
different from other girls"or so they say
then i just don't connect ne more
and drop em or worse cheat.
(i've only cheated once like
had 2 bf's @ the same time and that was like 08)

then i txt him
and i say
i want us to be good friends
like b4 and have no labels because
the bf and gf thing has killed us entirely.
he agreed
and said that he still loved me nd wanted to c me nd
that we still together even though we nt
bf and gf if that makes sense

damn
as im writing the blog as of now
he txt me
"where r u?"
me: at home
him: i have something to tell u
me : ok
him: remember the girl i ued to talk to like
3month b4 u and we was together 4 8
me:yeah
me: what is she pregnant? lmao
him: yeah ; 3 months to be exact
and i jut found out today
and thats why i was kirkin out on u
and if u want to leave becuase this is to much u can
me:i like u reguardless baby or not
him: you sure
me:yeah
him: u know her needs come b4 urs
me: yeah, but i dnt need ne thing from u
im straight
him:you sure
me: WTF do you want me to say no
him: shutup lol i love you
me: i love you too

------- moral is
im boyfriend less
but my dude lls
has a baby on he way
.......... wow
he done fucked my post up
that wasn't even the moral b4 lol
..... geesh .
but im mature.
ill get through this.
but YES!!!! im kinda free

Failure

... && all those numbers are back in my phone
all their numbers +1 .
4 fucking numbers all in 10's
40 fucking numbers that are holding me back
from keeping my promise
ughhhh i feel so weak .
Am I hard of saying no?
and just turning my back to 'em?

Haven't seen yelnats in 2 weeks.
ummmm it's to the point
where I'm becoming uninterested
I mean I care 4 dude
but I aint feeling it
it got too physical too soon
to the fact I can't even connect with him
on an emotional or mental level ne more.
But he's still around . . we talk everyday
but about nothing. . . .
We are missin substance .
i don't blame him but more so myself
I just get bored so quickly

I Like booooooys and the like me toooooo
I feel so dirty i mean I havent cheated
or done ne thing with ne one else but I be "talking'
to others... I can't help it
I don't wannna be a player nooo more.
But im not a player I just crush alot lmao.
Oh god im terrible

even though I should be focused on my bf
these utha niggas have ticked me off
aiight so when i put those numbers back in my fone
and i start talking back again we txt allllll the time
then a week passes by U(they) lol aint txting no more
but somehow every friday U(they) know my number so
well and can ask me what im doing tis weekend
and tell me how much you (they) wanna c me .
Now that some shit
.. but i never gt played cuz i never go 4 that
i just keep leading them on and i dnt even fckin
know y?!

for instance

this boy we gon call him (bball)
cusz he plays basketball lol
ne waysz me and bball been talking..
one day we on the phone and bball was like
gosh u sooo fake
im like how
he was like cusz u got the bait (niggas)
and u be faking on me when we in school
u dnt be tryna hug me in the hall way
and i think it's cusz u got the bait and u dnt want ne 1 to know
we talk and u be just faking on me hard
then i gt txt saying ' u wanna chill?'
im like no
he'like u alwys denyin my wood
im like wtf. but i dnt txt back

other instance
we go call him Gangsterjerk
lol ne waysz this one told me gt away that time in class
so ne wayz i c him after school
i was like let me talk to you
he says walk wit me real quick please
i gotta go to my locker
sooo i go lol (i kno ikno)
he as like y u so fake ?
im like what? dejavu n shit. lol
u be fkin on me hard u tell me u like me
then when i be tryna give u hugs n stufff
u be like "nooo" and when i be tryna chill
u be like naaah
and dnt call or txt me or nothing
ur playing these little girl games .
and im like "im not fake"
it's ur fault cuz u only talk to me when
u feel like it n shit. blah blah blah
then when im leavin school i get a txt
frm him and he' like
"im wana come c u tonight
i want to see ur body tonight
nd im not playing im serious"
and i laugh cuz im like 10 min ago
i was fake and u wasnt talking to me
for like a week BITCH
so i just wrote really now?
and i can't take u seriously
i dnt kno wht he txtd back i aint read it.

instance 3
we call this one foot ball
so me nd ftball bn talkin casually since
summer i swear he just want to fuck
but recently like maybe a month ago he says
i like you and i be looking at you but i dnt know how to express
how i feel and i wanna talk to you blaah blah
ut everytime we gt on the fone
he b serious and i just laugh becuase i can't trust him
so we txt every now and again.
so he txts me same day as all the others lls
And asks what im doing
and can he come c me
im like naah im at home ppl home too
(not that i would allow him to come over ne way)
and im on my period( i was lol) srry 4 that lol)
and we cudnt do nuffn ne way so y u txting me
and he's like i dnt care and im like ughhh ewww
and he's like nt like i wanna fck but i dnt care if u on
becuase i wanna chill reguardless of that and u can come to my house
and im so taken a back becuase no boy has ever said that to me
(sad i know well some have like 1 has)
bt ne ways im like wow u was serious u liked me becuase
when we 1st started talking all he wanted to do was fuck

but im not gon let my guard down becuase boys
will say ne thing to get brownie points
then go in for the kill

but ne ways moral of this is
i have fucking boyfriend
and im talking to 3 utha niggas +1
well nt really but im playing 3 utha niggas plus 1

ima terrible female ...
i feeel horrible and fake
but it's like all my life ppl
even my immediate family have played me .
now it's like i can't take people seriously
and i can't commit to nothing
i quit everything
sports, dance, instruments, homework, realtionhips
....i kinda suck as a person right now but
im happy overall
i mean atleast im not in denail and for the most part
i feel good about myelf i haven't done nething really
bad to mess me nd yelnats up .
my mind is in blaaaaaaaaaaaah

i put all my buissness on a friggn blog
and im basically cheating and playin wit
peoples minds and everything is not okay ....


lmao now yall probaly think im crazy.

When you’re fearful, you stumble.

i forget where exactly i hear this quote.
but it's true
truer than true (is truer a word?)
Anyways back to fear
all my life i been s scardy cat
i don't know i just don't have ne back bone
i mean i dnt let ne bitch me forreal
but i don't have no spunk like
no zestfulness . I dnt go crazy
and jst live my life "ayyy yaaa yaaa"
lol.
but seriously i spend all my time
being fearful that i am not happy.
it messes up my aura and shit...
it makes me Fall flat on my
scared face.

..... well thats all for now
ill blog more later
. my blogs been short lately and
kinda meaning less but this shit
is for me to empty my mind ...
so if you dnt like my blog
DONT READ IT...

Raw emotion

Sometimes I wish I could just be numb.
Like not feel anything.
none of the things my dad says.
none of the crud boys do to me.
none of the way my stepmom treats me.
none of the abandonment from my moms.
none of the failure.
none of the not good enough
none of the disrespect.
none of the lies.
none of the hurt.
none of the scared.
none of the emotion.

But I wear my emotion thick all over like
fat asss fllabby skin ........
i feeel so much anger... so much sadness
not just from the things others do to me
but from myself
..... it's like i've let all this bull shit get to me
and im just shut down run down
... i just made a bad ass poem
but i aint ready
to let people hear it yet.
im not ready to be judged.
but it's called


Raw emotion.

Ignorant Shit

"Love is blind, and it will take over your mind
What you think is love, is truly not

You need to elevate and find"

I'm more than overly tired with myself.
Why do I continue to do the things I warn others not to.
I've never been one for relationships ...... to b honest I
have never really been in one. Maybe a couple
flings here and there and maybe might have "said" bf and gf
but it wasn't real. I'm only 15 though.
But this ... this right here is as real as the sky is blue and the
grass is green. Yelnats nd I are ... OFFICIAL.
It's really scary to me this love thing. I'm not even sure
I really honestly love him but there's this weird feelin i get
not like sexual but a genuine one when I talk to him and
when I am with him. I can't play with him like I could sooooo
easily with ne other guy but when I am talking to him I can't
even think to lie.... think to say ne thing to mess us up.
He's got me so open. It's like Iv'e never in my life had a guy
that I could talk to and tell him everything ... and i mean everything
&& feel okay and comfortable enough to even do that.
I actually trust him.

But that is not the reason for this post.

What I am getting at is the relationship bit.
When Yelnats and I 1st started talking it was just deep like
nothing more .... maybe a lil less on my side lol but
we weren't trying to start ne thing neither of us would finish.
we talked about this all the time. both scared giving "us" a label
would mess everything up. But on March 1st he asked and I said yes.
For at least 20 min after he asked I was in hysteria. I cried thinkin about it.
I couldn't believe it had gotten so serious. But "I"said "YES".
like I dn't think you understand the sinificance of that word yes
but me , guys and the word yes do not mix well.

Ne ways on the 3rd Yelnats says
I know we talked about this before and each of us
has been talkin to "one" other person but I think
that you talk to more than 'one' other.
Not that this is a bad thing but I can tell you got
alotta niggas and you not ugly so there will be alot
of niggas on you. what I mean is tht if you feel you not
ready to be in this realationship just tell me. becuase I'd
rdther find out from you than to find out somethin myself.
I wouldn't never be mad becuase I love you and you know
that and you know i would wait for you.

I mean it sounds like typical nigga talk but you gottah
know him. I recognize real.... and it be oozin out of this nigga
naturally.

But still I haven't made my point yet.

Yes hes right I do talk to like 3 other guys than him....
but thats becuase we weren't serious at the time.
What makes me mad is that I can't seem to drop these
3 niggas. They are repeat niggas. Like niggas I keep sayin
"why you keep fucking me over?" about but I keep lettin
them re-enter my life and play with my head.
I swear no matter how much I delete their numbers and how long
I go without talking to them tht number ends back up in my fone.
It's like this everytime.
Something sooo good is right infront of my face but I don't even acknowledge it .
I gottah turn around and walk dwn the street to talk to the guy
that doesn't really gives a rats ass about me but what I look like and
could he possibly have a chance to lay me down. or "chill"
aint that what they call fuckin now? lmao Im hip to this shit niggas.

But what makes me mad is that I know they playing me .
That I know they don't care about whatever it is I do or wanna do
and still I'm so blinded but what? I don't know and keep
letting them do this to me. Like in Eves song love is blind
she says " Tired and Tired but she never could escape you.
she was in love and I'd ask her how? I mean why?
what kind of love from a nigga would black your eye?
what kind of love from a nigga every night make you cry?
what kind of love from a nigga make you wish he would die?"
I don't love ne of them or ne thing and I aint gettin beat up
(I WISH A NIGGA WOULD) but thats similar to my situation
like I keep saying I'm done with it even before Yelnats
came along because noone deserves that but I keep them
around for some reason and I know they doin me wrong.
i let them do me wrong.... and thts what hurts the most.

Example (this is what happend today )
so I always talk to this boy in class he' always messing
with me so when I go over to him today (I know I was
a thirsty broad coming to him and shit) he acts like he dnt
even wanna talk to me . but he's tryna grab my butt
and he's tryna touch me. I push his hands off.
he tells me to "go away girl leave me alone"
so im pissed like wtf? we been talking
everyday "like real serious talking (on my side any way)
about this issue of fakin. just about and yur dissin me .
so i just leave "it" alone.
as we leave the class he tries to grab me
I'm like "dnt touch me!"
and he gts mad at me .....

WTF
ne ways i txt him later and say "u fake'
he says '...ok'
am i the only one who see's something
extremely wrng with this picture?

Then it makes me think of Jay-Z's song ignorant shit.
How he comes raw and he be thinking with his lyrics
but people would prefer that igorant shit.

"This that ignorant shit you like
nigga fuck shit ass bitch trick plus ice.
c'mo i got that ignorant shit you love
nigga fuck shit maricon puta and drugs.
etc. etc"

It's all these great guys with substance approaching me
who stood by me . listend to me . was there for me. cared
for and about me. not just to fuck or get something me but in
exchnge for the same care back . But I pushed them all away for that
ignorant shit.

I won't mess up with yelnats. I promise you that. naaah, I promise me that.

get me bodied

ookay so im bloggin
like crazy because i been slippin
im doing this just incase i slip..... again lol
keep yalll blog fiends fed well.

personally ive had alot of trouble with my body
my self esteem used to be so low.
When i was younger i was fat lmao
then i was chubby
now im like thick.....
i love my body
but sometimes
i go back to those dark times
and i look at myself in the mirror
an hate everything i see.


but i just want to say i love me
regardless of what anyone has to say
or anyone thinks .
i love my loose butt that jiggles when i walk
and big ole hips that make
some clothes impossible to wear lol
my breast that always seem to show cleavage
no matter what shirt i wear.
nd my stomach
that has never been ab defined
but shit it's mine ....
and most of all i love myself
even if i fuck up im not a complete disaster
i am somebody and ima make something of myself
im not a stupid girl .

SUCK DICK SLOW DAD.

bitch and moan
bitch and moan
this fuckin bitch done took my phone
what the hell is your problem?
take dick slow dad keep on slobbin

lls. im funny as shit when im mad
sooooo ummm i have a terrible cold
after this past weekend
my friends sweet 16. ily nalani
any ways im sleepin
no school today it was snowin
ne ways the bitch calls me
i pick up the phone all ugly
he says whts wrong
i say im sick and dnt feel well.
he gets mad.
very mad and says your always sickor some utha excuse
and then hangs up
thnx 4 the random call dad ...
i go back to sleep
he comes in my room about an hour or two later
and says give me your phone
i say okay
'if your sick you dont need a phone
i don't want it to disturb you "
"i needed you to help me shovel snow
but you were to sick give me your phone"
-------- seriously dad... come on
so i go on with my day
tht was about 4 .
it was about 8 30
i ask him 4 it back
he says
"NO leave my office
your always makin excuses when i need you
as soon as you come in the house from school
you go to sleep. and you just hibernate in your room
and never come out . then every weekend you
ask to leave and your always on this damn phhone"
he says more but it's alot to type
i mean when he called earlier
he said not a word about snow... he just hung up
so wtf.

if he knew how it is livin in this house
i hate his pesence
i hate being around him
and everytime i am arond him
all i hear is bad things from him
y wud i want to sit around with him all day .

this weekend on sunday we go to sleep
at 5 in the morning
when i come home i extremly tired
so i go to my room
he comes in and tries to snatch my phone then ...
he says
"wht a waist of life you are.
all u do is sleep and when you get up u stay up all night
on the phone
eat sleep phone ...... give me ur phone"
so i tell him ill stay up .
thnx dad that really how you wake me up though. BITCH ASS NIGGA

------ wtf doe he mean
i dnt do ne thing
i do every fucking thing nigga
i work hard to win ur fuckin approval
and even when i try im still fuckin wrong
...... your a bitch dad
a faggot ass cum mouthed bitch
............
man i swear i can't be happy 4 nothing.

A whole new world

my dad eased up 2 weekends ago.
He let me stay out till 1:30
...... it' long ass story but I almost got caught..

then he let me go out the next day
and gave me money .............
mabe he got some sex idk but i like him that way.
shiiiid and he was gon let this boy give me a ride home
aaaaaand he let me hang out with my bestfriend .

this is a whole new world to me
so bitches let me enjoy my magic carpet ride

Beast mentality

Haven't blogged in a long time
Iv'e been so busy but check it (lmao)


I'm feeling real raw like real guttah right now
I don't know y exactly but yeah

So I got this bitch .
Not a ride a die bitch
but an annoying fussy bitch
scardy cat won't let me live my life bitch
even when I aint done shit the type
to say I done wrong bitch
This bitch that bitches about bitches
that I role with bitch.
a bitch of all bitches ... talking about
my daddy bitch.

Alright I do give my bitch some credit though. We had the bird in the cage talk. Or dog on the leash talk if you consider my life. I told him about this lil 9th grader (he was so cute) that said I was pretty and he wanted to take me to 711. I though it was so funny. Then my dad said "so if your not a 711 kinda girl what kinda girl r you? I was like breaking pockets or not? he says "yeah he got bank nd he drive and all that" so I'm like yeh...... mmm CHEESCAKE FACTORY lol. then we get into the whole so can boys pick me up from the house and shit ...and he's like cool. Then we get into the whole boyfriend thing and if he met them how he would act. Actually he respondid btter than i thought. he said "iif he has the balls to meet me then i don't mind you going out with him." and then im like r u going to be a butt bout it "and he says ima jut ask some questions and hope he's not a fuckup. then yall can go out as long as yall call me and let me know where yall r etc etc. I mean i don't know if this is true or not but when i asked him this befoe he bitched and moaned and told me I better not have a boyfriend. so aint this progress?.

---- this conversation was days after my horrrrrrible valentines day

2-14-09
was the worst v-day experience ever
so ummmm i go to my bestfriends house
her mom isnt home but her brother is
my dad doesn't like my bestfriend at all.
sooooo he doesn't want me to go but he lets me
as soon as we pull up her brother is gttn in the car and leaving.
not a good look at all
so when i get in my dad calls and says y is her brother leaving
are you lyin to me etc etc.
im like noooo i can have her brother call you etc i ddnt know he was leavin.
he says whtever hve him call me when he get back.
so we order chinese food and watch movies
her bro comes in and we call my dad.
he seems okay with it... i dk
but my dad has to work so i asked my aunt to pick me up
i want to spend the night but when i call again to ask my dad
he says no...
not just no
but
"i don;t like your friend shes waisting her life.
and your a lier and why do you have to spend
the night at others houses ? you don't do suff
in the house BLAGGGH BLAAAAAH"
sooo ummmm basically he thinks
me and my firiend were havin some sex
crazed orgy( lmao) at her house while her people
were away when he was finally finished rappin.
for once in my life i when i wasn't tryna do nothing
but chill because my bestfriend and i both got stoood up
he thinks im doing something.
what a bitch.

I'm tired of this nigga forreal
just 2 1/2 more years