Failure

... && all those numbers are back in my phone
all their numbers +1 .
4 fucking numbers all in 10's
40 fucking numbers that are holding me back
from keeping my promise
ughhhh i feel so weak .
Am I hard of saying no?
and just turning my back to 'em?

Haven't seen yelnats in 2 weeks.
ummmm it's to the point
where I'm becoming uninterested
I mean I care 4 dude
but I aint feeling it
it got too physical too soon
to the fact I can't even connect with him
on an emotional or mental level ne more.
But he's still around . . we talk everyday
but about nothing. . . .
We are missin substance .
i don't blame him but more so myself
I just get bored so quickly

I Like booooooys and the like me toooooo
I feel so dirty i mean I havent cheated
or done ne thing with ne one else but I be "talking'
to others... I can't help it
I don't wannna be a player nooo more.
But im not a player I just crush alot lmao.
Oh god im terrible

even though I should be focused on my bf
these utha niggas have ticked me off
aiight so when i put those numbers back in my fone
and i start talking back again we txt allllll the time
then a week passes by U(they) lol aint txting no more
but somehow every friday U(they) know my number so
well and can ask me what im doing tis weekend
and tell me how much you (they) wanna c me .
Now that some shit
.. but i never gt played cuz i never go 4 that
i just keep leading them on and i dnt even fckin
know y?!

for instance

this boy we gon call him (bball)
cusz he plays basketball lol
ne waysz me and bball been talking..
one day we on the phone and bball was like
gosh u sooo fake
im like how
he was like cusz u got the bait (niggas)
and u be faking on me when we in school
u dnt be tryna hug me in the hall way
and i think it's cusz u got the bait and u dnt want ne 1 to know
we talk and u be just faking on me hard
then i gt txt saying ' u wanna chill?'
im like no
he'like u alwys denyin my wood
im like wtf. but i dnt txt back

other instance
we go call him Gangsterjerk
lol ne waysz this one told me gt away that time in class
so ne wayz i c him after school
i was like let me talk to you
he says walk wit me real quick please
i gotta go to my locker
sooo i go lol (i kno ikno)
he as like y u so fake ?
im like what? dejavu n shit. lol
u be fkin on me hard u tell me u like me
then when i be tryna give u hugs n stufff
u be like "nooo" and when i be tryna chill
u be like naaah
and dnt call or txt me or nothing
ur playing these little girl games .
and im like "im not fake"
it's ur fault cuz u only talk to me when
u feel like it n shit. blah blah blah
then when im leavin school i get a txt
frm him and he' like
"im wana come c u tonight
i want to see ur body tonight
nd im not playing im serious"
and i laugh cuz im like 10 min ago
i was fake and u wasnt talking to me
for like a week BITCH
so i just wrote really now?
and i can't take u seriously
i dnt kno wht he txtd back i aint read it.

instance 3
we call this one foot ball
so me nd ftball bn talkin casually since
summer i swear he just want to fuck
but recently like maybe a month ago he says
i like you and i be looking at you but i dnt know how to express
how i feel and i wanna talk to you blaah blah
ut everytime we gt on the fone
he b serious and i just laugh becuase i can't trust him
so we txt every now and again.
so he txts me same day as all the others lls
And asks what im doing
and can he come c me
im like naah im at home ppl home too
(not that i would allow him to come over ne way)
and im on my period( i was lol) srry 4 that lol)
and we cudnt do nuffn ne way so y u txting me
and he's like i dnt care and im like ughhh ewww
and he's like nt like i wanna fck but i dnt care if u on
becuase i wanna chill reguardless of that and u can come to my house
and im so taken a back becuase no boy has ever said that to me
(sad i know well some have like 1 has)
bt ne ways im like wow u was serious u liked me becuase
when we 1st started talking all he wanted to do was fuck

but im not gon let my guard down becuase boys
will say ne thing to get brownie points
then go in for the kill

but ne ways moral of this is
i have fucking boyfriend
and im talking to 3 utha niggas +1
well nt really but im playing 3 utha niggas plus 1

ima terrible female ...
i feeel horrible and fake
but it's like all my life ppl
even my immediate family have played me .
now it's like i can't take people seriously
and i can't commit to nothing
i quit everything
sports, dance, instruments, homework, realtionhips
....i kinda suck as a person right now but
im happy overall
i mean atleast im not in denail and for the most part
i feel good about myelf i haven't done nething really
bad to mess me nd yelnats up .
my mind is in blaaaaaaaaaaaah

i put all my buissness on a friggn blog
and im basically cheating and playin wit
peoples minds and everything is not okay ....


lmao now yall probaly think im crazy.